Monday, October 10, 2005

Welcome Back, Mr. Spider

He's back. For the uninitiated, "spider" is the characterization I use for my episodes of anxiety & depression. I use this blog as a mechanism to just observe and comment on what brings the episodes on, what works and what doesn't for coping, what I experience physically and emotionally, and the like. For more, see here, here, and here.

Triggers that I can identify this time are money concerns (a regular), extended time away from Mrs. Zeke, a lost contract, and some real concerns about our ability to get product supply for my work.

What's interesting to note is that I think it actually started while I was asleep, though I had been teetering on the brink after yesterday's sermon. I had two exceptionally vivid and violent dreams. In one of them, I was literally in life-and-death combat against demons. In the second, my cousin suffered a devastating gunshot wound, and I was unable to get her treatment. What makes them worth pointing out is that it's the first time in weeks or months that I can recall having such a vivid dream, and I woke feeling bleak. Things progressed downward from there.

One positive development that I'll note is I made a conscious decision this morning to take whatever time and effort it requires to deal with some of the underlying issues. At core, I really don't believe that I deserve success in any meaningful area of my life. I feel like I got lucky with Mrs. Zeke, and I've muddled my way to middling success in my work life, but always in the context of disappointment that it doesn't amount to so much more. This is an objective assessment, not me trying to make it worse. I hear this from people in my life who are confounded as to why I make what appear to be totally irrational and destructive decisions given my other qualities. Simple reason is because I think I'm pretty shitty and don't have much faith in my ability to be successful.

I recognize that this is just a belief, and not reality, so the real work is in changing the belief system. Doing it in the presence of the spider is actually helpful in that it's hard to think of much else anyway.

I may not share much about the process, as this has already become much more personal over the last days that I am comfortable with even given that this is an anonymous blog. But I'll share what I think relevant, as I know from the feedback of others that they've been helped by what I've shared.


At 8:48 AM, Blogger Sharon said...

Hey Zeke,
First of all, let me say I love the concept of "the spider" appearing whenever you are struggling. If you don't mind, I may use a similar concept, as I also have these kinds of times...
I also want to say that I was ministered to by this, because I have also been coming to a new place in life where I make conscious decisions to change my thinking patterns. I have always struggled with pessimism, and leaning toward depression. But this year, the Lord said, "NO MORE, MY LOVE." It is truly a journey.
Thanks for being so vulnerable and honest.


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