One For Truth

Okay, One More...

2008-04-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I'd run out of things to say on the subject of the church, I've found myself over the last few days thinking often of the recent events at Revolution Church as recounted on SCP.

The fact remains that I still have a powerful, almost physical response to the idea of attending church and I think that this Revolution Church experience has helped to crystallize it for me.

You see, here is this man, apparently quite talented and charismatic, who builds a successful congregation and in the moment of doing what about half of all Americans do--leaving their spouse--ends up traumatizing his entire congregation. Not just because of the thing that happened, but because it happened there. To them. By him, of all people!

People talk often of the powerful sense of community in church, but what I experienced even more strongly than community was a sense of unreality. As in, what happens in church, how people often behave, can simply be unreal. A thoroughgoing dishonesty brought on by an intense pressure to be a certain way, to say the right thing, to be who it is that other people think a person who is a Christian is supposed to be. Church is so painful to me because I simply can't take the pressure of not feeling like I can be who I am, warts and all.

For instance, if I'm having a bad day when I show up for work and a colleague asks how I am, I can shrug my shoulders and say "I'm here, anyway." Then they can either ask for details or shrug and go back to their work. I can fart at my desk or say "Fuck all" if I feel like it. The mask is off, and the only things I keep to myself are those things that I think are none of my colleagues' business.

When I was in church, the one thing I wanted to say more than anything else was, "Bullshit!" Bullshit on people acting a certain way and expecting other people to act the same way too. Hating on their neighbor while they hug and kiss them. Pretending everything is okay when it damn well isn't. Wearing their finest masks in the one place they should be the most real and human. Whatever your experience in church is, I won't devalue it at all. But that's what church ended up being for me.

So David Trotter was full of shit. Probably still is. He's apparently quite passionate about helping people have religious experiences and become personally successful and content, and sees no conflict between that and abandoning his wife and children. I will be the first to say that any one of us is capable of being both great and an asshole, often at the very same time. That's just human. To be human is to be broken and fallible and a mixed bag of goods. But that's just not okay in church. Oh, it's okay to acknowledge it in the abstract, but not to act it out in the presence of your neighbors. Sure, people sin. It's just not supposed to happen here.

Not to us.
Not in our church.
Not with our pastor.

Years later, I'm still angry about the bullshit. Weird thing is, I'm just as angry with the people at Revolution as I am with Trotter. I don't know any of them, but I've been in enough churches to understand the bullshit culture. They just suffered a major, traumatic reality intrusion into their make-believe, happy-talk culture and nobody knows what do to about it.

So let me tell you what they are going to do. I can say this, because I saw it over and over again.

They are going to pretend it never happened. People will cry and hold hands and pray, and notice that within weeks it will not be discussed from the pulpit. When people bring it up to the leadership, they will suggest that the appropriate response is a small prayer and to focus on other things. References to Trotter will disappear from websites and printed materials. Maybe they'll even change the name or move to a new location. The wife and family will move to a new church. The history of Revolution will be cleansed of this painful event so that everyone can go back to pretending that these things don't happen here. Not to us.

I don't know. Call me a cynic. But let me know if I'm wrong, because that would be interesting to see. I hope for Revolution's sake that they break the mold.

I really don't like feeling this way, so seemingly cynical and angry, but I wonder sometimes if the very title of this blog--One for Truth--ends up keeping me honest in ways I never contemplated when I started it, which at the time was when I was fully engaged with the culture. This is the truth as I see it, called out as plainly as I can call it out.

I am already without a congregation because I didn't want to hurt them by trying to stay, to take off the mask and break the mold. I don't want to hurt anybody, and I don't want to find myself without faith. But I can't and won't be a party to the bullshit any longer. Just can't tolerate the dissonance.

Adios

2008-02-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be one of those guys whose blog just sits there week after week with nothing new, but nothing really resolved. I have kind of run out of things to say so I'd rather just call it a day.

Thanks for being there with me, and you know where to find me.

Jesus: Isn't it time we took a look at his record?

2007-12-17T15:38:00.001-08:00

Amy Enters, RIP

2007-11-27T12:53:00.000-08:00

I never knew Amy Enters, but I was sent her obituary today by a colleague. I want to take a moment here to acknowledge from a distance the life and legacy of a woman who is a contemporary of mine, and whose passing reminded me of the increasing fragility of life.

Amy Enters, age 40, of Barrington, Illinois, formerly of Houston, Texas, passed away November 27, 2007 after a courageous battle with breast cancer. Amy was the loving wife of Menno Enters whom she married on September 6, 1997. Amy was born in Corpus Christi, Texas on February 16, 1967 to Carolyn and JR Viola. Cherished sister of Polly (Clay) Wilkins, Kari (Gary) Stadler, and Michael Viola. Fond daughter-in-law of Marina and Jim Enters, and sister-in-law of Karin Enters.

She is survived by sons Matthijs, Marek, and Aidan Enters. Amy was preceded in death by her infant son, Liam. Amy was a woman of exceptionally strong faith, a conqueror, who served as an inspiration to many.

Visitation to be held from 9:00 – 10:30am on Friday, November 30 at St. Francis de Sales, 135 S. Buesching in Lake Zurich, Illinois prior to funeral mass at 10:30am.

Memorial donations may be made to “Menno Enters” in the name of the Enters Family Fund at Cambridge Bank, 1100 South Rand, Lake Zurich, Illinois.

Thank You

2007-11-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

I've been at this blogging thing for about two and a half years now, and it wouldn't be interesting if it weren't for you, my blogging companions. So today, I'm grateful for this experience and the friendships I've gained here on the interwebtubes. Enjoy this day!

Modern Ruins

2007-11-14T10:39:00.000-08:00

Photograph(s) copyright Shaun O'Boyle

Modern ruins, as seen through the lens of photographer Shaun O'Boyle. One thing that leaps out at me is that somewhere along the line (and I believe the line was World War II), we lost a sense of art in the design of most of our buildings. People, the photo above was for a power plant. I'm in that business, and I can tell you that they definitely don't make 'em like that anymore.

Thanks as always to Andrew Sullivan, from whom I get most of my good stuff.

Faaaascinating...

2007-10-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

Follow this link and see whether you perceive the dancer as spinning clockwise or counterclockwise. Then see if she changes direction on you.

For me, she was all about the clockwise--until suddenly in a blink she flipped the other way, then back a few moments later. I've found that while if I concentrate I can get her to flip directions, it's only for a few moments. The exercise appears to have right brain/left brain implications, though who really knows.

Consequences of ideas

2007-10-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

As I said before, I supported the invasion of Iraq. I believed the slogans about peace and democracy in the Middle East, and I feared the weapons of mass destruction. So did Christopher Hitchens, who had written passionately about the rightness and good purpose of the invasion. Hitchens is a literate and persuasive man, and his words moved a young UCLA college student to join the Army and serve his country. That man, Lt. Mark Daily, was then killed in Iraq.

A friend sent Hitchens an article in the Los Angeles Times about Lt. Daily after noticing that Daily had been inspired by the writings of Hitchens to take the course that ultimately led to his death. Hitchens, who has since become deeply disturbed and disillusioned about the Iraq war, describes the moment he discovered he had influenced young Daily in his decision to enlist:

I don't exaggerate by much when I say that I froze. I certainly felt a very deep pang of cold dismay. I had just returned from a visit to Iraq with my own son (who is 23, as was young Mr. Daily) and had found myself in a deeply pessimistic frame of mind about the war. Was it possible that I had helped persuade someone I had never met to place himself in the path of an I.E.D.?... I feverishly clicked on all the links from the article and found myself on Lieutenant Daily's MySpace site, where his statement "Why I Joined" was posted. The site also immediately kicked into a skirling noise of Irish revolutionary pugnacity: a song from the Dropkick Murphys album Warrior's Code. And there, at the top of the page, was a link to a passage from one of my articles, in which I poured scorn on those who were neutral about the battle for Iraq … I don't remember ever feeling, in every allowable sense of the word, quite so hollow.

Driven by remorse, Hitchens finds his way to speak and visit with Mark Daily's family. What follows is well worth reading, so I'll leave it at that.

The price that we are paying as a country for this war is a profound one. I won't bother to estimate the grief of those who have lost loved ones to the war. But I can't shake the feeling that aside from the obvious costs in dollars and strained military readiness, that we are not far from a public awakening to how deeply we were led astray and by the catastrophic failure of character that the Bush administration has demonstrated in its conduct of this war. And perhaps like Christopher Hitchens confronted with how his ideas had consequences he can never take back, that we may realize that the ideas and leadership that we consented to in the months after 9/11 have led to a nation that is not as good, not as strong, and not as right as the one we possessed in the days and weeks following that devastating day.

Things you discover when your dog wakes you up at 4:45 in the morning...

2007-09-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

Some people think Christians shouldn't do yoga. Yeah, my antibodies went into overtime on this one.

They are blowing the tops of mountains off in West Virginia because it's faster and cheaper than digging underground. I'm sorry--did the 1970's through today, and the advances in ecological protection that came with them, never actually happen? I mean... you can actually do crap like this in America today?

Sofyst wonders what we do when we are "are somewhat left by God without clear direction." I comment that this pretty much describes everyday life, doesn't it?

Eric at Two World Collision posts about being honest about, among other things, his relationship challenges. A commenter mentions about how gays often have to experience in adulthood what the rest of us do as adolescents when it comes to the awkwardness of learning how to actually romance another human being--which strikes me as a surprising truth. As an aside, MZ would probably be compelled to mention that I am still learning how to romance another human being.

By the way, gay bars are closing all over the place because gays are increasingly preferring to spend time one on one with their partners, inconveniently depriving evangelicals of a stereotype-supporting crutch. Damn them!

Tim Ferriss talks about radical honesty. Me and MZ had been talking recently about whether true transparency looks something like radical honesty. I wouldn't go that far.

Joe Carter reviews an evangelical thriller and remarks that the book "[c]ontains many of the standard faults of "Christian" novels: flat characterization, unconvincing conversions, stereotypical villains." I remark that he just aptly described evangelical culture.

Be Forewarned...

2007-09-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Guitar Hero II will rock your muthafsking azz off.

Taking my spiritual temperature

2007-09-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't have expected it, but as I sit here in September of 2007, over a year since my mother's death and the ridiculous, maddening end to my involvement in the church that I served on the board at for three years--which coincided with my last desire to have anything at all to do with evangelicalism--as I sit here now, I frankly am still pissed off. I can't even pretend to believe much of what I used to believe about what I used to profess on a weekly (if not daily) basis.

I feel, for deeply personal reasons, that Jesus did live and that he lives spiritually. But as for doctrine... I almost don't even care. I don't read the Bible, I don't seek secondary sources, I don't pray, and I hardly even think about spiritual matters. I find plenty of time to drop f-bombs on the stupidity and ham-handedness of stupid church people, but don't have the desire to slice off much time at all to reflect on who Jesus still is or what I am supposed to do with him.

I can't say I am proud of the degree to which my anger at the evangelical church controls my life. I spend hours every week moving among blogs that discuss evangelical issues, processing and processing my thoughts and feelings about evangelical doctrine and praxis. Were it not for my incredible wife, I almost certainly would say Fuck All and forget about this nonsense, but she is too much a part of me to write off the process. Where I end up is not academic considering her devotion to me and to God.

And yet I feel like I now have an antibody in my system that makes me want to vomit out anything that tastes like my old evangelical diet. I feel as if I have crossed a spiritual Rubicon, and contented belief lies back on a shore that I can't and won't return to. So somewhere along this path, the anger has to get replaced by a right-minded seeking so that I can, to the extent that I still believe in Jesus (as opposed to believing about him) actually structure my life in a way that reflects that belief. For now, I do what I do because I believe it's the right thing to do. I would expect that if I take back on belief in Jesus, absent the make-work, busy-busy, nicey-nice of Churchianity, my life will actually have to show that.

Anyways, that's my spiritual temperature as of 9:07PM on Sunday, September 16th, 2007.

Dylan, Man...

2007-09-15T23:19:00.001-07:00

Check it out.

Exporting pollution

2007-09-14T08:08:00.000-07:00

Much is said of our exportation of jobs to China via our mass-consumption of their mass-produced goods, but one could just as well understand that we are also exporting our own pollution. China's air, water, and soil pollution practices are probably consistent with where we were over 50 years ago. If not further back.

In Linfen, for instance, the many coal plants and manufacturing interests pump a steady stream of sulfur oxide and coal dust into the air and arsenic into the water table. Linfen is a pathetic example of Business Gone Wild, but it is hardly alone. 16 of the 20 most polluted cities in the world, according to the World Bank, are in China.

When I was a kid growing up in the 60s and 70s in the Los Angeles basin, I remember many summer days where to play outside meant getting sore lungs. If you haven't felt it, there's no describing it. I imagine that kids in Beijing, pictured below (after a rain on the left, on a sunny day to the right), know that feeling.

Thankfully it's not like that in Southern California any more, for the most part. Smog alerts, once a fixture of summer, are largely a thing of the past. And while I believe in free enterprise, somebody's got to be watching the store and thinking about something more than profit and employment statistics. Profit and jobs are good. Very good. But they are not the only things that matter in life.

Conservatives in the Tearoom

2007-09-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

Is it hypocrisy when a social conservative, adamantly opposed to gay rights, adultery, divorce, or what have you is caught literally and figuratively with his pants down doing the very thing he proclaims to despise?

According to Andrew Sullivan and some others, maybe it's deeper than simple hypocrisy. Says Andrew:

Social conservatives who try to have extremely discreet and anonymous sex or drugs or whatever are not, perhaps, hypocrites as such. They recognize vice, do not deny it, see it in themselves, understand that some of it is simply irrepressible, and do not see their public moralizing as in conflict with it. Think Bill Bennett or Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly or David Vitter: all involved in various personal vices (often compulsively) - and arguably more socially conservative because of them.

Reference is made in Andrew's post to a now 37-year old study that was done by Laud Humphreys, a graduate student (later professor) of sociology of the "tearoom" trade, or in straight parlance anonymous sex in men's rooms, in St. Louis in the mid-1960's.

I was impressed with Humphrey's inventiveness in how he went about peeling back the onion to discover who these men were that had sex with strangers in mens' rooms. Check this out:

Posing as a voyeur, and never revealing that he was there for research, Humphreys was accepted as “watchqueen” by the social circle hanging out at the restroom. He was entrusted with giving a signal if the police came around. He took notes on the activity taking place – including the license plates numbers of men who came around for fellatio. Through a contact in the police department, he was able to get their home addresses. After a year, and having disguised himself to some degree, he visited them under the pretense of doing a survey for an insurance company to gather more data about their circumstances and opinions. Humphreys states that he was never recognized during these interviews.

Gotta admire that commitment to discovering the truth. Though obviously deceitful, he ultimately honored the anonymity of the men he studied by destroying their personal information. Anyway, here's what he found:

Men he had observed having anonymous sex in a public place often turned out to be ardent champions of law and order. Unable to control themselves in that part of their lives, they put on the defensive “breastplate,” redoubling their efforts elsewhere: “Motivated largely by his own awareness of the discreditable nature of his secret behavior,” wrote Humphreys in his dissertation, “the covert deviant develops a presentation of self that is respectable to a fault. His whole lifestyle becomes an incarnation of what is proper and orthodox.”

So maybe that explains cats like Larry Craig and Ted Haggard, or even Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart. They're not so much hypocrites as they are tormented by their own deviance to the point that they crank up the volume of their moralism publicly to overcompensate.

That sounds reasonable to me, but I wonder if there isn't something peculiar about the religious conservative closeted homosexual. After all, we know the type has sought refuge in the Catholic priesthood. Cynics may say that they put on the cloth purely as an avenue to get the trust of young boys, but I suspect again that it's deeper than that. I wonder if the guilt and shame that society imposes upon being gay causes men to reassert their goodness and morality by becoming champions of righteousness, while unable to restrain their impulses privately.

Something, my friends, has got to change.

The Beard is Back

2007-09-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

I don't want to hate anybody in general, but I am so over this asshat, his stupid beard, and his pointless murder cult.

Saving Grace

2007-09-07T09:27:00.000-07:00

Not that we needed another TV show to pack into our busy lives, but the wife and I have started watching the new TNT series Saving Grace. Holly Hunter stars as a hard-living Oklahoma City police detective named Grace (as in saving--get it?) who, in a desperate moment, calls out for God's help which arrives in the form of Earl the angel. Played by Leon Rippy (who has one of the most syrupy and memorable voices in Hollywood), Earl is a tobacco-chewing, jean-and-boot wearing good old boy sent from heaven to rescue Grace from the fires of hell. "Lots of folks goin' to hell these days," Earl says at one point in the series premiere.

What I like about this show is that it's a nice mix of edginess, grit, physical beauty, complex characters, humor, and hope. Touched by an Angel it's not, but neither does it take a low view of God and spirituality.

The language and sex is as bold and explicit as it gets on commercial TV, so be advised, but I like the show for its artfulness and perspective.

Freedom bleeds from a thousand little cuts...

2007-09-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

For most of my adult life, the term "civil liberties" was more likely to induce a little roll of the eyes, a little "there they go again" directed at the avant garde of social excess, pushing the boundaries of what a polite society would consider remotely reasonable stretches of personal freedom. And in the 1980s, when I was coming of age, that's mostly what they were: ACLU lawsuits that always seemed to favor the cause of the extreme left (although I do recall them defending the rights of the Klan to march) or just plain bizarre behavior.

But in the last few years, my reflexive rightist tendencies have been draining from me, and perhaps not coincidentally I've had the increasing sensation of encroachment on my liberties as an American citizen.

Maybe it's the security cameras that keep popping up.

Maybe it's the "rights management" controls that have invaded the digital content I buy.

Maybe it's the obtrusive security at airports, and the way minor civil servants have started to talk to me like I was a third grader at a fire drill.

Maybe it's these inexplicable camps that my wife has been questioning lately.

Maybe it's the way that the Congress seems to be bending over backwards to serve the interests of corporations.
Maybe it's my realization that while the government says it's never about oil or money, it's always about oil or money.

Maybe it's the way that no matter where you are, somebody can find you from your cell phone.

Maybe it was when a co-worker figured out something I posted anonymously on the internet that didn't even concern him directly--and in the course of his search, identified a psuedonymn that I've used to post a lot of private observations online.

Maybe it's all this talk of a national identity card.

Maybe it's this talk of building fences and militarizing our borders.

Maybe it's that we are being "temporary inconvenienced" with wartime laws and security measures for a war that nobody can project a real end to.

Maybe it's all the money in politics.

I really don't have the answers, and I'm far from being a raver about this stuff. I just have to confess that where I once implicitly trusted--I don't know, call it "the system"--I no longer do. I think I've been around too long and seen too much. Wisdom doesn't counsel trust of power; "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." I have found, to my great disillusionment, that those with money and power can be trusted to do almost anything they think they can get away with to get more of both. And the more power that is concentrated in Washington, the more money competes to buy it and direct its hand.

Distressing, and frankly at this stage I'm not entirely sure what to think about it all.

Don't you get between God and his favorite political party...

2007-08-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

Pastor Wiley Drake, 2nd Vice President of the Southern Baptist Convention, has called down fire from heaven on a couple of staffers from the "watchdog" group Americans United for Separation of Church and State because the staffers called on the IRS to audit the reverend for endorsing political candidates from the pulpit--thus risking his church's status as a non-profit.

Because God loves Mike Huckabee and has chosen him to be president of the United States, Pastor Wiley heartily endorsed him on his radio show and in a press release, both as leader of his ministry and as representing his position as 2nd Vice President of the SBC.

Referring to his press release, Drake added, “I want to ask you to please pray for me and for a press release that we just put out this morning. And the press release is simply this: this comes from my office, pastor, First Southern Baptist Church and second vice president of the Southern Baptist Convention, etc., etc.”

This led to the call to the IRS for an inquiry against him, to which Pastor Wiley responded:

Drake responded to AU’s allegations in an Aug. 14 press release calling on Christians to join in offering imprecatory, or cursing, prayers. He called the complaint an “attack from the enemies of God.” Drake listed several biblical passages as examples of imprecatory prayers.“Please join us,” Drake added, “with Bible in hand, and let us do battle against the enemies of God.”

It got nasty:

In a section of his press release called “How To Pray,” Drake includes a long list of biblical citations that call on God to smite enemies. For example, the alleged enemies of God “shall be judged,” “condemned,” and “his days be few….” Additionally, supporters should pray that the enemy’s “children be fatherless, and his wife a widow,” and “his children be continually vagabonds, and beg; let them seek bread also out of their desolate places.”

Of course, AU was appalled. Too bad, according to Drake:

“If they think it’s ‘outlandish,’ it doesn’t surprise me,” Drake stated. “They’re ungodly, un-scriptural, not even Christians.”“They have no reverence for the Word of God,” Drake continued. “And if they think it’s ‘outlandish,’ don’t blame me, I didn’t write it, God did.”

You get that? God told Drake Wiley to call for believers to pray for the death of a couple of staffers at a watchdog group for suggesting the IRS investigate the endorsement of a candidate God himself has chosen to be president because the endorsement violates IRS regulations for non-profits.

When the insanity of the religious entanglements of evangelicalism in right-wing politics ends--and I believe that it will--I can promise you I won't look back.

Get these guys on TBN!

2007-08-22T14:19:00.001-07:00

Anne Rice, Catholic, Endorses Hillary Clinton

2007-08-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, Anne Rice--author of the notorious Vampire Chronicles novels--converted to Catholicism and has dedicated herself to "write books for the Lord." The first, Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt, I reviewed when it came out back in November of 2005. She recently published this letter on her website:

I repeat: I am a Christian; I am a Democrat. I support Hillary Clinton for President of the United States.

I recall mentioning before that once upon a time, when I identified myself as a "card-carrying member of the vast right-wing conspiracy" that I expressed befuddlement that anyone could be both a sincere Christian and a Democrat. I think that in this essay Anne Rice makes as good a case as any but it seems to boil down to this:

Though I deeply respect those who disagree with me, I believe, for a variety of reasons, that the Democratic Party best reflects the values I hold based on the Gospels. Those values are most intensely expressed for me in the Gospel of Matthew, but they are expressed in all the gospels. Those values involve feeding the hungry, giving drink to the thirsty, clothing the naked, visiting those in prison, and above all, loving one’s neighbors and loving one’s enemies. A great deal more could be said on this subject, but I feel that this is enough.

I certainly can't and won't argue with the sentiment except to say that I'm not convinced that expecting government to express the principles of the gospel is what's expected of us as believers, but I'll leave that for another day.

As an interesting aside, given her public conversion a lot of readers have been asking her why she has not (or believing that she had, why she did so) renounce the Vampire Chronicles novels. The entire posting is worth reading, but here's what I believe is the most important point she makes:

For me, the entire body of my earlier work, reflects a movement towards Jesus Christ. In 2002, I consecrated my work to Jesus Christ. This did not involve a denunciation of works that reflected the journey. It was rather a statement that from then on I would write directly for Jesus Christ. I would write works about salvation, as opposed to alienation; I would write books about reconciliation in Christ, rather than books about the struggle for answers in a post World War II seemingly atheistic world.

My books reflect now, as they always have, what I see and feel and struggle to understand.

Viscerally fearful and ignorant evangelicals will no doubt continue to look at her work as a spawn of Satan. Be that as it may, literate and thoughtful men and women such as Anne Rice hold out hope that belief in Christ in America will in the future look less and less like today's angry, reflexively right-wing evangelicalism.

Gay Marriage: What was I really afraid of?

2007-08-17T16:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what images are conjured up when evangelicals contemplate the dangers of gay marriage. Which is odd, because I used to be one of them. But for the life of me I can't remember what, when I opposed gay marriage, I was actually afraid of.

I suppose the opposition was visceral. I've heard and repeated the usual arguments, but at the risk that I might restate them in a way that's unfair to those who still hold them, I turn to nonpartisan BalancedPolitics.com:

Most religions consider homosexuality a sin.
It would weaken the definition and respect for the institution of marriage.
It would further weaken the traditional family values essential to our society.
It could provide a slippery slope in the legality of marriage (e.g. having multiple wives or marrying an object could be next).

Please just read the story below and tell me whether any of the arguments above still hold weight with you in the reality of what happens in this world without gay marriage (I quote this post from Andrew Sullivan in its entirety):

Some people seem to think that because gay couples have the right in a free country to live together, the legal protections of civil marriage are unnecessary. They don't understand the legal power that homophobic families can have over sons and daughters - even adult ones in long-standing relationships. In Indiana, a couple who lived together for 25 years saw their lives turned upside down when one of them had an aneurysm and a stroke. His parents, who disapproved of his relationship, swooped in and barred his spouse from custody. The story is here. Money quote:
Conrad traveled to the Atlanta hospital to be with Atkins but was soon denied access by the family. Hospital staff defied the family's wishes and let Conrad visit Atkins during off-hours.
Atkins eventually was moved to a nursing facility in Carmel, where Conrad would arrive after regular visiting hours so the Atkinses would not see him.

He filed his guardianship request in June 2005. That November, the Atkinses moved Patrick into their home and have since refused to let Conrad visit. They also have refused his phone calls.
Atkins is in no mental state to defy his own parents. The law is on their side. Without marriage, it always will be. If a heterosexual who had lived with her spouse for two and half decades was barred from even seeing her husband after a stroke, no one would doubt the law needed to be changed. It is just as evil when it is done to a gay couple. Yes, there are some contracts that can be drawn up to provide more protection than Conrad is getting. But in states which have passed marriage and civil union bans for gay couples, those protections are vulnerable to legal challenge from other kin. Gay couples are human beings. To have our families ripped apart and have no legal recourse is institutionalized cruelty - designed for no other purpose than to stigmatize and marginalize a small minority. We need and deserve full equality now. Nothing short of civil marriage will ever suffice.

What if the person you lived with and loved for 25 years was taken from you as soon as they were no longer able to make their own choices in life? I shudder to think what my life would be like if someone prevented me from seeing my wife when she was at her greatest hour of vulnerability.

I would just suggest to my evangelical friends that if you want to continue to throw your consent behind a system that results in this kind of injustice, you at least might want to be clearer than I ever was about why that makes sense.

Gay Marriage: What it's Really About

2007-08-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

My apologies for posting on this issue yet again but here's another real-life story that sums up perfectly why our current resistance to formalizing gay relationships creates what anyone would have to consider to be true injustice.

Take the case of Buffalo police officer Patricia A. Parete, shot in the neck by a criminal while on duty almost one year ago. Since the time of the shooting, Officer Parete has been working to recover the use of her body after severe damage to her spinal cord. Her gay partner has been with her every step of the way:

Since Buffalo Police Officer Patricia A. Parete was shot in the neck, Maryellen Opalinski has been by her bedside on all but about five of the 257 days.

“As soon as this happened, it was just automatic, like a reflex,” Opalinski said. “I’ve been by her side the whole time. I have never given it a second thought.”

This kind of behavior demonstrates the deepest kind of love and commitment, true "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" devotion. Those who oppose gay marriage on the grounds that homosexuality is "perverted" or "abnormal" or who say that gay relationships can't demonstrate the same kind kind of elevated love, where two halves become one whole, simply aren't cognizant of reality.

If you oppose gay marriage, get clear on two things: why you actually oppose it, and what the cost of that opposition is in the lives of men and women like Patricia Parete and Maryellen Opalinski, and Brett Conrad and Patrick Atkins.

Quote of the Day

2007-08-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

“Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as much as adversity has.”

-Billy Graham

Peace be with you...

2007-08-13T09:45:00.001-07:00

For some reason, my mind conjured up this morning a memory of the portion of the Catholic mass where we would "offer one another the sign of Christ's peace." This would involve shaking hands with one another and saying "Peace be with you... and also with you." A very simple ritual, without compare in the evangelical realm.

I say this because in the evangelical realm it felt... so much more forced to me. Like a concerted effort to break the ice before the sermon. And they were never so forced as when you were supposed to "Turn to your neighbor and tell them 'x'!", x being something like "I'm glad you're here today!", or "Isn't it great to be in the house of the Lord!" or some such other exclamation-pointed pablum.

I must say, while I almost never think about the old Catholic mass, I sure miss that simple handshake.

Peace be with you.

Noise cancelling addictions

2007-08-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

My thus-far faithful iPod Mini gave up the ghost without warning yesterday morning. Given that this little unit has been my almost constant companion, lulling me to sleep and filling my commutes and workouts with songs and the spoken word on a daily basis for two and a half years, my first reaction was total dismay. No more iPod?

Damn. Lameness.

Then I began to reflect on why this was such a big deal for me, especially when it comes to going to sleep. I should mention that while in general I don't sleep terribly well on any given night, the summer heat makes it even worse. And when I am troubled in my thoughts, sleep can be very elusive.

But the iPod helped with that. I came to realize that the iPod was often acting like a kind of white noise generator. This is sort of what noise cancelling headphones do, by the way. Just generate more noise to help tune out some other noise. In this case, the chattering in my skull.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Am I (still) a conservative?

2007-08-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

Over the last few years, concurrent with my dissatisfaction with and departure from organized religion, I've been laying a number of presuppositions to bare in my life. Where once I strongly identified myself with conservatism, I wouldn't do so readily today.

So when The Conservative Principles Poll showed up on Andrew Sullivan's blog today I figured I'd take it for a spin and see where I ended up. Here's the ten conservative concepts that one is asked to agree or disagree with in taking the poll :

Enduring Moral Order: A good society depends upon citizens who have a strong sense of right and wrong, good and evil, justice and honor.
Custom and Convention: The devil you know is better than the devil you don't.
Principle of Prescription: We stand on the shoulders of giants; the collective wisdom of those who came before us is superior to our own individual reasoning. The individual is foolish, but the species is wise.
Prudence: Any public measure ought to be judged by its probable long-run consequences, not merely by temporary advantage or popularity.
Equality Before the Law Only: The only true forms of equality are equality at the Last Judgment and equality before a just court of law; all other attempts at levelling must lead, at best, to social stagnation.
Human Imperfectability: Human nature suffers irremediably from certain grave faults, the conservatives know. Man being imperfect, no perfect social order ever can be created.
Private Property = Freedom: Conservatives are persuaded that freedom and property are closely linked. Separate property from private possession, and Leviathan becomes master of all.
Community and Federalism: Conservatives uphold voluntary community, quite as they oppose involuntary collectivism. In a genuine community, the decisions most directly affecting the lives of citizens are made locally and voluntarily.
Balance Authority and Liberty: The conservative perceives the need for prudent restraints upon power and upon human passions.
Balance Progression and Permanence: Permanence and change must be recognized and reconciled in a vigorous society. The conservative is not opposed to social improvement, although he doubts whether there is any such force as a mystical Progress, with a Roman P, at work in the world.

You know, that's not a bad list. It's foundational as opposed to topical; I can see that one could hold to all ten of these and still oppose much of what the current administration is up to.

But where do I come down? I'll take them one by one.

Enduring Moral Order
No question about it: what distinguishes good people from bad people are the values they live out in their lives. Not all values are created equal. One culture holds that men and women should choose their mates; another kills women for choosing in opposition to their families' desires. This one's a no-brainer. Check.

Custom and Convention
On this one I've done a one-eighty. I recognize that customs and conventions evolve for a reason, but I think it fair to say that many of them have grown out of ignorance, prejudice, and the preservation of power. I say, Question Authority.

Principle of Prescription
Not entirely distinct from Custom and Convention, I would say that one should pause to examine why we have arrived at where we are before we abandon a path, but I wouldn't just assume that prior wisdom dictated the path. The path could have been blazed by selfish assholes for all I know. Feudalism, anyone?

Prudence
Well, duh. For the record, I do actually think that prudence is a good thing but I don't suspect that many liberals would say that prudence is a bad thing. Check.

Equality Before the Law Only
While I definitely believe that in principle we should not try to achieve an equality of result, I do believe that society benefits from an equality of opportunity as long as it's strived for rationally and sensibly, recognizing that a great many people don't better themselves because they don't have hope and motivation even in the presence of opportunity. Because when the rubber meets the road I would probably be considered by most in-the-main conservatives to be left of center on this issue, I'll not check this one off.

Human Imperfectability
I'm no utopian. Check.

Private Property = Freedom
While I think libertarians easily go overboard on this one, I am a firm believer that the three-legged stool of liberty rests on political, personal, and property rights. Check.

Community and Federalism
Federalism and decentralization works because those closest to the problem are the best ones to solve it. Check.

Balance Authority and Freedom
This one's a lame one. Everybody, even Hitler, would agree that there should be a balance between authority and freedom. I say when in doubt liberty should prevail, but in the current national security climate many conservatives would lean heavily towards authority... so I'll pass on this one.

Balance Progression and Permanence
Given that I don't believe in the Inevitability of Progress (take a look around the world: see much progress these days?), I would agree that reforms should be undertaken with caution and an understanding that to the extent a reform's success relies on people to be on their best behavior and acting in the best interest of society as opposed to their own narrow interests, then that reform is doomed. Many liberals fail to understand this, so I'll identify with conservatives on this one. Check.

Final score: 6 out of 10, or 60%. So yeah, I guess I am still conservative by principle if not by politics these days.

Hope.

2007-08-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

The longer I live, the more I realize that there are few things more powerful or more central to leading a quality, impactful life than pure hope.

Selections from Wikiquote on hope:

The essential thing is hope, loss of hope makes for desperate people and desperate people do desperate things’’ ~ Lord Michael V. Bacon

There is no worse death than the end of hope. ~ Pelagius

A leader is a dealer in hope. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

All human wisdom is summed up in two words — wait and hope. ~ Alexander Dumas

Beware how you take away hope from another human being. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Everything that is done in the world is done by hope. ~ Martin Luther

Hope is the poor man's bread. ~ George Herbet

Hope is a waking dream. ~ Aristotle

Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, sickness and captivity would, without this comfort, be insupportable. ~ Samuel Johnson

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible. ~ Anonymous

If it were not for hopes, the heart would break. ~ Thomas Fuller

Strong hope is a much greater stimulant to life than any single realized joy could be. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. ~ Barbara Kingsolver

Just when I thought the web was getting boring...

2007-07-30T19:49:00.001-07:00

...along comes Postsecret.

"My family can only love the mask they give me to wear..."

2007-07-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

I've blogged often on gay Christian issues. I believe that the Church has the power, by ending its declared war on the gays in its midst, to spread peace, reconciliation and blessing into the lives of gays and their families. Instead it sows misery, self-hatred, doubt and fear.

Friend of this blog Eric from Two World Collision was recently interviewed for an article in the OC Weekly about ex-gay movements and the growing communities of survivors of those experiences.

Exodus International is no stranger to protest, but this year, Soulforce, a group of volunteers who have made it their mission to teach the principles of nonviolence on behalf of gender minorities, and Beyond Ex-Gay, a relatively new online community for ex-gay survivors, would swap bullhorns and hand-carried signs for a different form of retaliation.

Here, for three days, the survivors would gather at the university and tell the stories many at Exodus do not want to hear: yarns of rejection, failure and brokenness. And all from the lips of former ex-gay ministry members and leaders who once subscribed to the same mindset as the mammoth ministry:

“I failed God.”

“I’ve come to hate religion.”

“My family can only love the mask they give me to wear.”

The wall fills with color and pain as the clock ticks, the silent crowd growing restless and tearful, some seemingly amazed they’d met their personal demons here in this simple activity. A few “good” memories are scrawled—“Made great friends,” “God became a very real father to me”—but they are almost lost in the sorrowful missives.

The crowd falls back as the activity concludes—an icebreaking session for the Survivor Conference.

Then the man who blames himself in part for the birth of the ex-gay movement in Anaheim more than three decades ago comes forward and picks up a pen.

“The truth will set you free,” Michael Bussee writes in red, “but first it will make you miserable.”

Putin Youth

2007-07-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

There's a disturbing trend towards authoritarianism afoot worldwide. Here at home, it's mostly a mishmash of corporatism, ham-handed Homeland Security hassles and an increasing proliferation of cameras, wire-tapping and other intrusions into personal space and communication.

But in Russia, it's as dark as it gets.

Putin has been busying himself with consolidating control over a resurgently nationalistic Russia in a number of different ways--some absolutely thuggish, even murderous--but even I was taken aback when I read an article in the London Daily Mail (HT: Drudge Report) about a Russian youth group called Nashi (meaning "Us"):

Nashi's annual camp, 200 miles outside Moscow, is attended by 10,000 uniformed youngsters and involves two weeks of lectures and physical fitness.
Attendance is monitored via compulsory electronic badges and anyone who misses three events is expelled. So are drinkers; alcohol is banned. But sex is encouraged, and condoms are nowhere on sale.

Bizarrely, young women are encouraged to hand in thongs and other skimpy underwear - supposedly a cause of sterility - and given more wholesome and substantial undergarments.
Twenty-five couples marry at the start of the camp's first week and ten more at the start of the second. These mass weddings, the ultimate expression of devotion to the motherland, are legal and conducted by a civil official.
Attempting to raise Russia's dismally low birthrate even by eccentric-seeming means might be understandable. Certainly, the country's demographic outlook is dire. The hard-drinking, hardsmoking and disease-ridden population is set to plunge by a million a year in the next decade.
But the real aim of the youth camp - and the 100,000-strong movement behind it - is not to improve Russia's demographic profile, but to attack democracy.
Under Mr Putin, Russia is sliding into fascism, with state control of the economy, media, politics and society becoming increasingly heavy-handed. And Nashi, along with other similar youth movements, such as 'Young Guard', and 'Young Russia', is in the forefront of the charge.

Scary stuff.

Zeke @ Moe's

2007-07-27T17:02:00.001-07:00

Courtesy of The Simpson's Movie site. Hat tip: SBE/Ping.

The moral problem of orthodoxy

2007-07-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

It's been my experience that adherence to orthodox beliefs--be they Christian or otherwise--leads to profound moral challenges in daily living that orthodox teachings themselves rarely satisfactorily address.

Take the example of Noah Feldman (HT: Andrew Sullivan), orthodox Jew who found, after taking a group photo at the 10th reunion of his orthodox yeshiva, that he and his non-Jewish girlfriend were Photoshopped out of the picture before it was published in the yeshiva newsletter. This spawned a reflective essay in the New York Times whereby he recounted some of the dilemmas and complexities inherent in orthodox living. This one stuck out for me:

One time at [my yeshiva] a local physician — a well-known figure in the community who later died tragically young — addressed a school assembly on the topic of the challenges that a modern Orthodox professional may face. The doctor addressed the Talmudic dictum that the saving of a life trumps the Sabbath. He explained that in its purest form, this principle applies only to the life of a Jew. The rabbis of the Talmud, however, were unprepared to allow the life of a non-Jew to be extinguished because of the no-work commandment, and so they ruled that the Sabbath could be violated to save the life of a non-Jew out of concern for maintaining peaceful relations between the Jewish and non-Jewish communities.

Depending on how you look at it, this ruling is either an example of outrageously particularist religious thinking, because in principle it values Jewish life more than non-Jewish life, or an instance of laudable universalism, because in practice it treats all lives equally. The physician quite reasonably opted for the latter explanation. And he added that he himself would never distinguish Jewish from non-Jewish patients: a human being was a human being.

This appealing sentiment did not go unchallenged. One of my teachers rose to suggest that the doctor’s attitude was putting him in danger of violating the Torah. The teacher reported that he had himself heard from his own rabbi, a leading modern-Orthodox Talmudist associated with Yeshiva University, that in violating the Sabbath to treat a non-Jew, intention was absolutely crucial. If you intended to save the patient’s life so as to facilitate good relations between Jews and non-Jews, your actions were permissible. But if, to the contrary, you intended to save the patient out of universal morality, then you were in fact guilty of violating the Sabbath, because the motive for acting was not the motive on the basis of which the rabbis allowed the Sabbath violation to occur.

Later, in class, the teacher apologized to us students for what he said to the doctor. His comments, he said, were inappropriate — not because they were wrongheaded, but because non-Jews were present in the audience when he made them. The double standard of Jews and non-Jews, in other words, was for him truly irreducible: it was not just about noting that only Jewish lives merited violation of the Sabbath, but also about keeping the secret of why non-Jewish lives might be saved. To accept this version of the tradition would be to accept that the modern Orthodox project of engagement with the world could not proceed in good faith.

This is exactly the kind of headspinning challenge that orthodoxy presents to those who want to both adhere to orthodox teachings and live normal, moral lives in peace and harmony with their non-orthodox neighbors. And it's hardly peculiar to Jews. I saw plenty of examples in the evangelical churches I attended over the years.

Take, for instance, the new Christian who wondered if being "unequally yoked" meant that he had to not spend time with his "unsaved" family members. Or the teenager who burned the tapes under his bed because a Bible teacher told him that they were "unclean."

I podcasted some time ago about those who determine that they are admonished to be "not of this world" and end up imposing upon themselves a kind of cultural Christian kashrut--this movie is Christian, that one is not. This friend is Christian, that one is of the world. World, bad! No wonder orthodox Christians can be so insufferable.

Orthodoxy leads to ghettos and ghetto thinking. It also leads to washing the outside of the bowl while neglecting the inside. And that, to me, is the fundamental moral weakness of orthodoxy: it just makes it too damned hard to love your neighbor while you're busy trying to please God through obedience.

Mrs. Zeke, I love you. Don't read this post.

2007-07-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of business in Colorado in the last year, and must've passed by the "Next Exit: Focus on the Family Visitor Center" sign maybe a dozen times. This last trip, I had time to burn before my flight so I took the plunge.

After making a silent vow not to be a cynical jerk inside, I signed in at the visitors center and slapped on my name tag (scratching my head here--have I ever gone to a visitors center and needed a name tag?) I made my way around the modestly sized but cleanly designed exhibits. This one said it all for me:

(Full disclosure #1: I do not believe that everything Dr. Dobson does is bad.)

If I have a beef with Dr. Dobson it's with the degree to which he has contributed to the politicization of the church in America. Well, I have two beefs with him: with that, and with his over the top fixation with homosexuality. Does American culture present moral challenges to parents and families? Sure. Are families "under fire" by some unholy alliance of leftists, cultural elites, and postmodern amoral relativists under the secret banner of Satan? That seems to be Dr. Dobson's diagnosis, and his prescription is angry politics. I guess it's not really a surprise; if I believed that Satan was using left-wing and perverted minions to undermine Christian America (the world's last hope!), I might be scared and angry too. But I'm not with him on this one. I might know somebody who is:

Is Bush a sincere Christian? I have no reason to believe otherwise, but I also think this man and his administration have serious integrity issues that men like Dobson should be weighing in against. Instead, they provide political cover for an administration that I increasingly see to be insincere, power abusing and cronyist. Depressingly so.

(Full disclosure #2: I voted for him twice.)

I also was not impressed with Dr. Dobson's performance during the fall of Ted Haggard. At first, Dobson angrily defended his "good friend" against the initial allegations, saying that "the situation has grave implications for the Cause of Christ." I'm sure he was as serious when he wrote that as he seems to be about so many other moral crises threatening America and the work of the Gospel. Then when Haggard admitted his gay affair (as in having sex with a male prostitute, not hosting a lovely garden party) Dr. Dobson committed himself publicly to serving on a "recovery team" with other notable Christian leaders--only to blow off his obligation because of his busy schedule. Apparently, some other dark crisis loomed in opposition to the Cause of Christ. Bigger name on the other line. Sorry, Ted.

(Full disclosure #3: I admit it: I'm a cynical jerk about James Dobson.)

A final personal word: Dr. Dobson, my cynicism doesn't extend to the lovely and touching memorial you built to your father inside the visitors' center.

A son's love and respect for his father was plain to see in this exhibit, and I was genuinely touched as I walked the space.

Dr. Dobson, I believe that you are a sincere man and are passionate about your beliefs. But that doesn't mean that you aren't hurting this country, so I won't let you off the hook--as I'm sure you wouldn't give me a pass about believing that gays should be left in peace to love and live their lives, or that politics should be left at the doors of the church.

Worthy of Anger and Tears

2007-07-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

William Lobdell felt called by God to report on religion for the Los Angeles Times. That was the beginning of the end of his faith, which could not survive seeing how the sausage of church is made. Catholic sex abuse scandals, the callousness of Mormons to those who question the faith, and outlandish evangelical financial abuses--along with apologism from the members of each faith for their leaders' abuses--wrung Lobdell dry of his belief:

The questions that I thought I had come to peace with started to bubble up again. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God get credit for answered prayers but no blame for unanswered ones? Why do we believe in the miraculous healing power of God when he's never been able to regenerate a limb or heal a severed spinal chord?

In one e-mail, I asked [a former pastor], who had lost a daughter to cancer, why an atheist businessman prospers and the child of devout Christian parents dies. Why would a loving God make this impossible for us to understand?

He sent back a long reply that concluded:

"My ultimate affirmation is let God be God and acknowledge that He is in charge. He knows what I don't know. And frankly, if I'm totally honest with you, a life of gratitude is one that bows before the Sovereign God arguing with Him on those things that trouble me, lamenting the losses of life, but ultimately saying, 'You, God, are infinite; I'm human and finite.' "

John is an excellent pastor, but he couldn't reach me. For some time, I had tried to push away doubts and reconcile an all-powerful and infinitely loving God with what I saw, but I was losing ground. I wondered if my born-again experience at the mountain retreat was more about fatigue, spiritual longing and emotional vulnerability than being touched by Jesus.

Sounds a lot like a recent SCP post.

The article is here.

On a lighter note...

2007-06-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

...I challenge you to watch this less than twenty times in a row.

More Immigration Bullshit

2007-06-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

This should warm the heart of the law-and-order, "deport the criminals" crowd: the INS is threatening to deport Yaderlin Hiraldo, wife of Army Spec. Alex Jimenez--missing in Iraq since May 12th. Turns out Spec. Jimenez had applied for a green card for his wife, but she had to go and illegally enter the country anyway without waiting in the Dominican Republic for our crack immigration clerks to process her application.

Lawbreaker. Criminal.

Rest assured, the loyal, process-oriented government bureaucrats at the INS are on her case and have initiated deportation proceedings. Only a sympathetic judge is delaying her deportation. Meanwhile, her husband, if even alive, is probably enduring hell on earth in the hands of Islamic radicals on behalf of the country that considers his wife a criminal for not waiting in the INS' absurdly inefficient and psychotically long visa line.

I acknowledge that the immigration issue is complicated and difficult to balance, but I call total Bullshit on the current crop of sensationalistic panderers that refer to illegal aliens as "criminals" simply because they sidestep our ridiculous immigration process because they want to live a better life or just join the people they love.

Immigration Bullshit

2007-06-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make: we rent to an illegal alien. She is college educated, has a full time job, has brothers and sisters who all have immigration visas, but she is not permitted to work in the United States. She lives in constant fear of discovery and deportation.

Some would say she should be deported, because others are waiting their turn in line. Here's the rub: she's been waiting in line for ten years.

Ten. Years.

For some, all they need to know about the issue of illegal immigration is that it's ILLEGAL. They broke the law... send 'em back and build a bigger fence.

For me, I learned a critical life lesson about illegal immigration when, during my financial catastrophe after 9/11, I ended up cleaning grocery stores at night so that I could have some money coming in while I looked for work during the day. I ended up taking the job from an illegal immigrant who lost his job when the INS stung the cleaning service.

There I was, a father and husband taking a (frankly, humiliating) job because my family was relying on me to provide. The only difference between me and the Mexican whose job I took was that I, by accident of birth, was in a country that had more opportunity and laws on the books that gave me preferential treatment.

If the accident of fate was that I was born in Mexico, I can promise you that if I had the guts you can bet your ass I would jump the border if it meant a better life for my family. So I can understand why they come, and it's hard for me to blame them.

But that's not the point of this post, which is to call Bullshit on a key argument of the anti-immigrationists. There effectively is no line for your average Central American to stand in. As Jeff Jacoby points out in an excellent essay in The Boston Globe:

Illegal immigrants don't steal across the Mexican border because they lack the patience to wait their turn in line. They do it because there is no line for them to wait in.
The great majority of immigrants who enter the United States lawfully qualify for visas because of family ties: They are lucky enough to be related to a US citizen. For them, there is indeed a line -- the waiting time for a family-based visa can take upward of 10 years. A smaller number of legal immigrants are granted visas because they have advanced degrees or specialized skills and a job is waiting for them.
For most illegal immigrants, a legal option simply doesn't exist. Under current law, a young Mexican or Salvadoran who wants to improve his life by moving to America and working hard at a useful job generally has just two options: (a) Enter illegally, or (b) stay out forever. Several hundred thousand a year choose option (a).

And so would I. There are men who read this blog who I know would be so committed to their families that they would do the same.

While the immigration issue is admittedly complex, we could do without the nonsense that illegal immigrants are just impatient line-jumpers. They are human beings who are trying to find a better life for themselves and have few other options than to disobey our immigration laws. At least give them that.

What brought the Soviet Union down? Money.

2007-06-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

While this post has nothing to do with religion, it does touch on my most recent post vis-a-vis how our perceptions can differ from reality (in other words, how we can bullshit ourselves) so I don't mind sharing it with you.

Like many, I've had a closely-held belief that Reagan (and by extension the United States) "won" the Cold War because our military buildup of the 1980s overwhelmed the USSR in quantity and technological quality, literally bankrupting the Soviets in their attempt to keep pace.

Turns out that's not what happened: grain and oil prices did them in. I'll spare you the in-depth analysis--feel free to follow the link--but the short of it is that due to the inherent inefficiencies in their command and control economy, the Soviet's inability to produce critical grain shipments domestically meant that they had to import huge quantities of grain to feed themselves and their communist client states. That grain required hard currency in exchange, and their primary source of hard currency was oil exports. When oil prices plummeted in the mid-1980s, their hard currency reserves dried up. They ultimately became a beggar nation. The instrument of their final collapse was a simple letter from the national bank telling the Politburo that they had run out of money.

This case study served as a reminder to me that while ideology can drive foreign affairs, even ideology requires money to survive. Money may not literally make the world spin on its axis, but it certainly does constrain--if not motivate--world politics.

So in my search to make sure my beliefs line up with reality, I find myself having to surrender a rather cherished notion of how the Cold War was "won." In fact, it ended up being lost for all intents and purposes by an empty bank account drained dry by a double whammy of ineffective agricultural policy and an overdependence on oil exports. Would high oil prices have persisted, we could have been talking about how Clinton won the Cold War, and been just as wrong about it.

Preface to Bullshit

2007-06-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve talked before about how I was trying to reign in my cussing. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it just isn’t required to make a point. It’s like a really hot pepper: in the right dish, and on occasion, and in very small amounts, it’s just the right additive. But you wouldn’t put pepper in your breakfast cereal, or your sport drink, or most everything else you’d eat.

Anyway, I’m still working at it, to mixed results, but it helps to remind myself that for most cuss words, there’s a cleaner substitute that works just as well. “Eff it,” “freaking,” “crap,” “who gives a flip,” “dork,” you get the picture. But when you want to call Bullshit on something, nothing works like “Bullshit!”

Interestingly enough, Wikipedia (and you all know how I love Wikipedia) actually has an entry for Bullshit. Turns out that the earliest reference in the Oxford English Dictionary has for Bullshit is a poem by T.S. Elliot entitled The Triumph of Bullshit. Just a little etymology for you.

When I named my blog One for Truth, I meant to lead myself by staking out an aspiration for my life. To speak truthfully and directly. To respect the truth enough to not expect that I already had it figured out cold. And above all, to neither bullshit nor be swayed by bullshit.

One of the great things about calling Bullshit is that everyone knows what Bullshit is, though they may not they recognize it when it’s in their face. That’s why a commitment to calling Bullshit is just as important as speaking the truth. You’re only half committed to truth if you aren’t willing to call Bullshit when you smell it.

Bullshit is a dangerous and constant companion on the human journey. Every avenue of human affairs is rife with bullshit. Politics, religion, advocacy, business, social networks… you almost can’t put your foot down without landing in bullshit. And we pay a pretty high price in all realms of life for spreading and swallowing that bullshit.

So I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, driven primarily by reflections on how I’ve been bullshitting myself in so many ways. I’ve been meaning to break this down, to blog about it, to podcast about it, but the more I reflect on it the bigger it gets. So I figured I’d just get started with this post and flesh the thoughts out over time.

Give Audible a Try

2007-05-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

For about six years now, I've been a member of Audible.com and have been downloading audiobooks that I listen to while I exercise, commute, do chores, or just chill on the couch. It's been a way for me to fit more reading into my lifestyle, and the spoken medium adds another interesting layer of color to the text.

Right now, Audible is offering 30 days free for one of their listener plans and for everyone who enrolls they will donate $10 to a literacy program. And as far as I can tell, there's no free goodies for me for referring you so you can take this as an unbiased recommendation. But in case they ask, my username is kezekiel.

Lifehack.org: 10 Simple Ways to Save You From Messing Up Your Life

2007-05-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

Worth a read... and quite timely for the Zekester. Hat tip: Digg.com.

First Discipline: Thanksgiving

2007-05-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

So, this week I began to take on the discipline of giving thanks. This consists of using my morning time (working out, the shower, commute time, etc.) for thinking about what I'm grateful for, then writing down at least ten things daily, then thinking of at least one person to express my gratitude to. It's been an interesting process. Here's some of the things on my list so far for this week:

that I'm taking on discipline
that I got up this morning to do yoga
that my car runs well
that (person) has been easy to work with
for chai lattes--like joy in a cup!
that my daughter had a good day in classes last night
that my wife has a heart to care for other people

You get the picture. I'm looking at a list of about 40 of those types of things right now.

I know that disciplines are taken on for their own sake, but I don't mind mentioning some positive side effects. I would say that much more than usual this week, I have been pretty calm and accepting of things. Not my usual worry-worting. And without getting into the specifics, evidence popped up that I had been worrying needlessly about something important in my life.

I must admit, I have had my mind on things just a little bit higher than what's on my desk and my email inbox, which is a fine development.

Wanted: Discipline

2007-05-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

Over the last few years, I've settled into two very reluctant realizations: One, that I had turned into a frumpy, graying pudgepot; and Two, that it was possible for me not to be that way. The first was factually hard to see otherwise; whatever mental image I had in my mind of what I thought I looked like (thinner and more vigorous, certainly) wouldn't survive a reality-check in the mirror. The second realization was a tougher one, as it meant that I actually could do something about it if I really wanted to.

So for the past few months, I've taken on a fairly serious program of diet and exercise. Sure enough, the benefits are gradually coming around and I feel much better in just about every way. This has been the product of some amount of discipline and a lot of positive motivation.

So now I'm thinking that I'd like to apply the principle of discipline to the pudgepot that my spiritual life has become. While I'm not opposed to church per se, I think I need more discipline than what regular attendance would provide. Prayer and Bible study are obvious choices, but I'd also like to hear what's worked for you. I imagine that across this community, which I know includes some people who practice spiritual disciplines outside of a more traditional churched community, I should be able to find some inspiring examples of how you grow yourselves spiritually in a disciplined fashion.

Thanks, all. Looking forward to hearing what you're up to.

"I miss fundamentalism..."

2007-05-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

Andrew Sullivan's blog is a regular stop for me, and a post today ("The Plight of the Moderate Christian") recounted a recent letter from a reader who was responding to Andrew's serial debate with atheist Sam Harris in which Andrew defended moderation in faith. The reader was a conservative practicing Catholic until he broke with Church teaching on the issue of contraception as his wife, a Type I diabetic, faced serious health implications were she to become pregnant. He had this to say:

Currently, I have no church in which to practice, or justify, my faith. Essentially, I’m a wannabe fundamentalist forced into moderation. This leaves me intellectually stripped of any argument about why my “faith” is more attuned to God’s will than a your average Mormon/Muslim/Amish. Sometimes, when the wind blows just right, I smell the distinct odor of oblivion. There was a time when it blew by unnoticed.

I miss fundamentalism.

He may, but I don't. Christian fundamentalism is only comfortable with giving God a wide berth as long as the mystery of his work doesn't intrude upon fundamentalism's ample body of decided "truths." Fundamentalism, by my lights, spends more time being afraid of being wrong (or perhaps more accurately, afraid of being uncertain) than being humble in its lack of knowledge.

Fundamentalism broadly understood (both of the religious and the secular variety) has helped to create in America a culture of fearful, angry culture warriors girded with a secure knowledge that the Truth is vested in their creeds--the religious their Scriptures, the secular their studies, theories and experts.

The mystery upon which Andrew's reader catches the whiff of oblivion is to me a breath of fresh air after too much fundamentalist doctrinalism. I have come to appreciate less the human-spun received wisdom of scriptural interpretation than the simple truths of the Gospel coupled with the stunning mystery that is Creation. "I don't know" is for me becoming the way in which I trust Jesus. I don't know, but he does. I may screw things up, but he won't. I may not understand the whys and the hows, but he does. So in a way, I am more childlike and trusting than I was before. I just have tightened up the box around which I've drawn the lines of Truth.

For some, that's scary. For me, I think it's more the makings of a new phase of spiritual growth.

Now I just need to add some discipline.

"What did we do wrong? We paid for piano lessons..."

2007-05-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Eric at Two World Collision for bringing to my attention the story of Christine Bakke and her years of involvement in "ex-gay" ministries, desperately trying to be "cured" of lesbianism. Her story is like many I've read: a heartfelt desire to change, burdensome guilt and shame, loneliness, and an inability to build a bridge of understanding to frightened and angry family members and fellow churchgoers.

The most difficult and poignant passages recount the reactions of her family to her initial attempts to admit her sexuality:

The conversation brought a flood of tears and arguments. Her mother claimed that God couldn’t have made her gay because “the plumbing just doesn’t match up.” Then she “made certain hand motions to communicate this. There’s nothing quite like seeing your mother put her hands in an OK sign and move the holes together to explain about the plumbing...

...“When you rock your baby in your arms, you never think one day my daughter will be homosexual and want to have sex with another woman, never have children. No one holds their baby and says maybe they’ll grow up to be a rapist, or this or that. You have dreams for your children.”...

She also vividly remembers her mother asking, “What did we do wrong? We paid for piano lessons!”

It's easy to be angry at the suffering that stems from such a profound insensitivity and lack of understanding, especially when it's done in the name of God. But I remain convinced that the church has a great awakening coming with regard to how it has dealt with the gays in its ranks, an awakening that can only be hastened the more that stories like Christine's make their way into the hearts of an otherwise fearful and suspicious church in America.

As an aside: the same day I read this, I also came upon this post from Andrew Sullivan, blogging innovator, conservative, and gay Catholic. The post brings up the topic of gay marriage and the difficulties that gays have getting legal protection for their relationships. Andrew recounted a heartbreaking memory from the days of the AIDS devastation in the 1980s that I wanted to share with you:

I remember a story told by a friend during the plague years. He was visiting a dying friend in hospital and a couple of beds down the ward from his friend, the curtains were drawn around a patient. From behind the curtains, he could hear a man softly singing a show-tune. "Well, at least that guy's keeping his spirits up," my friend remarked. "Actually," his dying friend replied, "the man in that bed died this morning and was taken away by his family. That's his boyfriend. The family won't let him go to the funeral or ever see his spouse's body again. They've kicked him out of their apartment. It wasn't his name on the lease. So he's just sitting there, singing their favorite song to an empty bed. It's the last time he'll get that close to his husband. The nurses didn't have the heart to tell him to leave yet. He's been there for hours."

Again, I can't help but think that the reason there's so much dogmatism on the subject of homosexuality is because few people have bothered to walk a meter, let alone a mile, in the moccasins of gays forced to deal with the stigmas and stupidities that we load upon them so carelessly.

Yes, I Still Love You...

2007-04-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

...I just have little to say other than I am to the wall with work, and rather than blog about that (note to the wise: don't talk online about your work life unless you would want everyone you work with to read it, now and in the future) I've just been quiet around here. I don't expect that to last forever.

xxxooo,

Zeke

Guess What: Heathens Don't Like Paris and Britney Either

2007-02-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

The Barna Group are always good for some insights into American culture, and their latest report is no exception. In a recent study, American adults were asked to rate a variety of religious and secular figures with regard to favorable and unfavorable impressions. Unsurprisingly, "born agains" rated evangelical figures more favorably than their secular counterparts (most of whom had never heard of people like Rick Warren, Bill Hybels and James Dobson).

But what was most interesting about this report--to me anyway--is that Christians and secular adults had virtually identical favorable/unfavorable ratings for Britney Spears and Paris Hilton:

My take from that is that maybe America's values aren't in the cesspool the way that evangelicals so often say. If believers' attitudes about two symbols of the wanton culture of celebrity excess are indistinguishable from the rest of America--both distinctly to the negative--then that provides support neither to evangelicals claims about how depraved American culture is nor to their own claims of cultural distinctiveness.

...Because Sometimes, Love Means Just Going Away

2007-02-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

His 3-week stint in a recovery center in Arizona now complete, the Loving Restoration of Ted Haggard has now entered its next phase: his being asked to quietly leave town.

Haggard mentioned Missouri and Iowa as possible destinations. Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town, and the Haggards agreed.
"This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed."

It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs... where, one presumes, all the people he and his wife loves and labored beside are actually located? The ones that are now supposed to be a part of his Loving Restoration?

This must be what it looks like under the carpet. I wish I could say I was surprised.

Slow Down and Taste the Beer

2007-01-31T07:53:00.000-08:00

I have been forced to deal lately with the degree to which my focus on work is causing problems in my life. I am distracted, weary, a bit irritable, and spiritually near a zero. Among other things, I have forgotten to slow down and taste the beer in life--which is why this article was a welcome read this morning. Another one of those handy metaphors for living, no?

"Black People Love Us!"

2007-01-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

No explanation, just go there.

For You Second Life Lovers...

2007-01-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

...Get a First Life.

What Does it Mean to Lean on God?

2007-01-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to lean on God? As Mrs. Zeke is well aware, this is high on my mind right now.

I've done my best to practice it in the past... I think. When the economy upended after 9/11, I remember doing a lot of face-planting into the carpet, giving everything up to God, praying and weeping, begging in prostration. I spent a lot of time in prayer and Bible study as my finances went up in flames, the engine blew up in my car, we pulled our daughter out of private school, and the bills got more and more overdue.

I know that it was in the midst of this crisis that I tried harder than ever to lean on God. That probably explains why I ended up being so pissed at church. If you can't bitch at the boss, bitch at the help. Maybe that's it, or part of it.

But I really would like to understand just what it means to lean on God, to trust in his purposes and care. Maybe you have some experiences to share.

The Wisdom of the Internets, Continued: "Under our own clothes, we are all naked."

2007-01-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

Apropos of nothing, that's today's profound comment as read on a discussion thread.

"Dear Google: What is the Meaning of Life?"

2007-01-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

Much has been made of the impact of the internet on Communist China. The implied assumption of most who celebrate the introduction of the internet and the growth in access is that information will undermine the Party, which will lose its monopolistic voice. Once people get online, they will be exposed to real freedom and succumb to the democratic virus.

Sure, maybe. I suppose one of the best ways to gauge what the Chinese people are getting from the internet is to see what they are asking it about: the Chinese website Baidu has compiled a list of the most popular searches in China. While I hope that the internet will in fact spread truth and freedom, I also suspect that most people have more mundane concerns. I figured a list of search terms would feature some Chinese spin on "Britney Spears," and "porn," and maybe even "democracy." I found instead a list of questions that are more personal, basic and much more profound. The usual "how can I lose weight and make more money" stuff is there, of course, but others on the list were more touching:

Why are we alive?
Why does my hair fall out?
Why do we love?
Why get married?
How to build a harmonious society?
What is happiness?
Should I continue living?

It's interesting to note how search terms can vary from culture to culture. Are the Chinese just more reflective and contemplative than the average American? Is there something in their soul that has so absorbed collectivist thinking that "How to build a harmonious society" would actually be among the top search terms?

By the way, here's Yahoo's top searches for 2006:

Britney Spears
WWE
Shakira
Jessica Simpson
Paris Hilton
American Idol
Beyonce Knowles
Chris Brown
Pamela Anderson
Lindsay Lohan

No, that's not the celebrity top ten. That's the top ten.

Google has a corner of its universe called the Zeitgeist that tracks weekly what the top search inputs are. Google's US tops for 2006 are:

bebo
myspace
world cup
metacafe
radioblog
wikipedia
video
rebelde
mininova
wiki

Google also tracks search terms by country. An interesting read. No surprise to find Britney on so many searches around the globe, sadly.

Jason Dunham Awarded the Medal of Honor

2007-01-12T07:45:00.000-08:00

Back in August of 2005, I blogged about The Gift of Valor, the story of Marine Corporal Jason Dunham, lost in Iraq to a grenade that he selflessly threw himself upon to protect his fellow Marines. Yesterday he was awarded the Medal of Honor for his bravery.

Whatever we may feel about this war, we should pause to remember and honor the personal sacrifices made by our men and women in uniform however they may serve.

If You Really Loved Me, You Would Buy Me One

2007-01-09T20:49:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: A video demo, courtesy of CBS News and YouTube.

Americans Getting Gloomy

2006-12-31T14:54:00.000-08:00

America is expecting a nasty 2007, if this survey is to be believed:

- 6 in 10 are expecting another terrorist attack on America
- 7 in 10 expect a major natural disaster to hit America
- 1 in 3 expect the draft to be reinstated

On top of all that, 1 in 4 expect Jesus to return. While that would not be a bad thing of course, it's generally understood that Jesus isn't coming back to party. So why the gloom? I would guess it's five years of the GWOT, a lengthy and overheated left-right war of words, and a general sense that things are going to get a lot worse for most people before they get better.

Gratitude? Oh, Yeah... Thanks for Reminding Me

2006-12-26T15:45:00.000-08:00

I have ended up subscribed, through my comings and goings on the internet, to a variety of delivered-to-your-inbox tips, news flashes, product updates, and the like, but one I received today from The New American Dream was noteworthy if for no other reason than that it reminded me to be grateful. Number 22 in a list of holiday survival tips (the only other one I remember had something to do with giving meaningful gifts rather than being sucked into par-for-the-course commercialism), it reminded me that "Feeling and expressing gratitude can be a meaningful part of the holidays." Well, yeah... except that I was reminded how little gratitude I felt this Christmas, having put way more energy into my own frustration that I couldn't give more and better this year. But gratitude is it's own gift, isn't it? I know that I always appreciate seeing and experiencing it--and being married to Mrs. Zeke, I am always around a lot of it. She is a Zen Master when it comes to gratitude. The woman will bitch about the piss poor state of auto styling (its apex having been reached with the original Saab 9000 Turbo Convertible), about the existence of the minivan, about the lack of creativity in pop music, and any host of interesting but rather external happenings, but not about her own stuff. Whether it's poor health (a distressingly chronic state of affairs for her) or lack of fundage (her husband's distressingly chronic state of affairs--but everything changes this year, Baby!), Mrs. Zeke is always looking on the bright side of things.

And if nothing else, I sure am grateful about that.

2006-12-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

"I Hate Drake"

This is an animated rendering of notebook entries about Drake, who bullied the artist Will Nolan as a young boy.

I was bullied around by some kid in ninth grade until I stood my ground and we fought it out. My recommendation to any kid getting bullied is Stand Up. Take your licks. Chances are the bully will leave you alone and your self-respect will remain intact.

(WARNING: Not for tender ears)

2006-12-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

The Bisque is Back

2006-12-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

After a disturbing hiatus, the bisques at Etcetera are back. Welcome home. Love you guys.

I first started listening when they invited Steve and Josh from SCP on, and I haven't missed a show since. Etcetera is a great example of what podcasting can be: a way for real people to connect and enjoy each other's company as part of an extended community. It's a unique phenomenon, but one those of Etcetera's community can immediately understand.

As the erstwhile host of Godscrum, I can attest to how hard it can be to find the time and energy (especially the mental and emotional energy) to sustain a podcast. Kudos to Erik, Matt and Sharon for hanging in there. Here's to many more great shows to come.

Christian Coalition: Poverty is not Our Issue

2006-11-23T22:10:00.000-08:00

Joel Hunter, recently elected president of the Christian Coalition, resigned his position after the Christian Coalition board made it clear that poverty and climate change, issues Hunter wanted to focus on, were not their cup of tea. As Hunter recalled, the Board replied 'These issues are fine, but they're not our issues, that's not our base."

Base? Usually you have to turn into some political gabfest to hear that term used to describe a group that provides your primary support. So does this make congregations the "base" of their pastors?

Depressing.

"This Website is in Transition..."

2006-11-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

"...therefore this website is in transition..."

I just thought that was a poignant referent to Ted's own life. Transition would be an understatement, wouldn't it? I suspect that Ted's old website was much like his previous life: full of accomplishments, opportunities, vision, and grandeur. Now he and his site are... "in transition."

Mrs. Zeke was reading to me last night from local police reports after we heard what we thought might have been gunfire on Sunday (turned out to be a brief shootout at the local Lowe's, nobody hurt). When she read the report of a sixteen year old girl who was killed in an automobile accident, I reflected on how any one of us could wake up in the morning and find out our lives would never be the same again... as is certainly the case for the family of that young woman. And for Ted Haggard and his family.

I guess we're always in transition, just sometimes more than others.

Is the Earth Really Getting Hotter?

2006-10-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yep. Check out this 10-year mean anomoly suface temperature map from NASA that covers from 1891-2005. Pretty dramatic.

Quote of the Day # 2

2006-10-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

"Truth is the cry of all, but the game of the few."

George Berkeley, 18th century philosopher after whom UC Berkeley (and the town) were named.

Quote of the Day

2006-10-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

"The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of doubt, what is laid before him."

- Leo Tolstoy

It's perhaps not such a mystery that the things of God are apparent to little children and yet seem hidden to the "wise."

A Marine's Letter from Iraq

2006-10-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

I've said before that the American service personnel I've met and known struck me as a special class of people: dedicated, smart, personable, and decent. Not at all like what you see in Hollywood. There's a culture of plain-speaking and down-to-earth humor that you can't help but appreciate.

There's a lot of that in a letter from a Marine in Iraq that apparently has been getting read all around Washington, which is a good thing. If I were in some relevant capacity in government, I would make sure to tune in to what the boots on the ground were saying. Here's the letter. Here's some highlights:

* Rounding up midgets... just read it. It's surreal.
* The farmer in Iraq who, when asked by a Marine if he had seen foreign fighters said "Yes, you."
* It's a lot worse in Ramadi, which you almost never hear about, than Bagdhad.
* Iraqi police are showing up big time in Al-Anbar province. Yeah, I was surprised about that, because the impression you get in the media is that they are corrupt and/or intimidated.
* The insurgent who pinched a cool $7 million from a bank right under the noses of Marines, waving at them as he left.
* Units that just returned from Iraq have the highest enlistment rates. It's a measure of the honor and comraderie of these men and women that one of the most difficult things that they bear is having thier fellow soldiers in theater while they are home.
* A small-town mayor, in the midst of an abduction attempt, took a machine gun away from his would-be captors and shot five of them dead.
* Marines captured all the kidnappers of Jill Carroll, a journalist who spent 82 days in captivity in Iraq.

The whole story is never on the news, and it especially isn't in official press releases. I hope that all leaders, no matter where they are on the ladder, listen closely to what their people on the ground are saying.

Some Truth About Iraq, and More Reluctant Conclusions

2006-09-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

Spy Agencies Say Iraq War Worsens Terror Threat

I once believed that George W. Bush was "God's man" in the White House. I once believed that he was fundamentally an honorable, honest and faithful man. I also once believed that time would reveal him to be one of the greatest presidents we've had.

I no longer believe any of these things, and I find that as I commit myself to a dispassionate examination of the evidence (this blog is called, after all, "One for Truth") that critics of George Bush have on balance had the facts on their side. In fact, it doesn't seem very close.

Warnings are ignored. Scientific and intelligence reports are edited by political appointees. Studies are ordered with the conclusions already arrived at. Ideology triumphs over the facts on the ground.

I could lay all this out in detail, but this really isn't the forum for deconstructing this or any other administration. This is an opportunity for one man to depressingly, reluctantly conclude that his commitment to Truth is making him question the honor and values of George W. Bush and his closest advisors. There was a time where my loyalty to party and ideology would not permit me to take a position that was occupied by my ideological opponents. But I find myself increasingly in agreement with those who criticize this administration for its mishandling of this war and its commitment to ideology to the exclusion of reality.

So I'm watching now, as the intelligence community is advising this president that one of the only remaining rationales for this war--that it reduces terror by confronting it at its source ("Iraq is the front line on the war on terror")--has been contradicted by the facts on the ground. Will the administration openly acknowledge this and alter its policies and rhetoric accordingly? Time will tell, but doing so would go a long way towards restoring the good name and honor of this president.

Faith and 9/11: Five Years Later

2006-08-28T07:34:00.000-07:00

Five years after 9/11, apparently our faith hasn't changed despite a brief surge immediately after the attacks according to the latest Barna survey. Called Five Years Later: Attacks Show No Lasting Influence on Americans' Faith, the study found that of 19 key dimensions of spirituality and faith, none showed any statistical change from the summer before the attacks.

I remember that time very well, and I certainly thought that there would be a revival. That's certainly what seemed to be happening at the time. People took time off work to go to memorial services, and my church's attendance shot up. But it turns out it was just a spike.

But what's really interesting about this study is that it found that what changed in faith at the time was rather than people becoming more orthodox, they actually were less orthodox. Data for the month after the attack found that "Americans were less likely to feel a responsibility to share their faith; they were less willing to reject the notion that good works can earn salvation; they were more likely to believe that the devil is merely a symbol of evil; and they were slightly less likely to believe God is the perfect, all-powerful creator who rules the world."

So in other words, for a brief moment after the attacks America actually became more emergent.

In all seriousness, the upcoming five-year anniversary of the attacks has been bringing up a lot of memories for me. The initial news reports, the confusions, listening in disbelief to the radio in my office as the first tower fell, watching the planes get stopped dead in their tracks at Orange County airport from my office window, telling a coworker that we were going to war, watching the horrific scenes on television... and lying in bed late that night listening to fighter jets patrol the skies over my home, unable to take it all in. If I wasn't reading about 9/11 now I might be able to convince myself it was all just a Hollywood thriller.

So, About that Podcast...

2006-08-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

...Dorsey and I ended up talking to a full cast of characters, including Ninjanun and the Pete, Craig Bob from Out of Fellowship, Steve and Josh from Stupid Church People, and Erik from Ping!Etcetera... only to find that I had the record button on pause for most all of the conversations. Duh. Many apologies to all.

However, there's no reason we can't do something like it in the future, which is what Godscrum was supposed to be about to begin with. Dorsey and I are up for it, so anyone else that wants to jump in is welcome. We'll probably set up a room in Gizmo or Skype, invite people to call in, and discuss one topic for about 30 minutes.

And this time, I promise I'll hit Record.

Wikimapia: Another Reason Why I Love the Freaking Internet

2006-08-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

I love the internet. It's the autodidact's wet dream: information and knowledge at your fingertips, increasingly from wherever you are. Just in the last few weeks the internet has been integrated into how I do my job to a degree that it never had before; most of what I used to have to go to a customer's site to do I can now accomplish using Google Earth Pro. And I can even use the satellite images on Google Maps on my phone to be looking at a customer's site while I'm on the road (not driving, of course). And those of you who read this blog already know how I value and use Wikipedia on a regular basis.

And then today (via this article on digg.com--another daily resource for me), I find out that Wikimapia, a phenomenon I'd never even heard of before, reached a milestone 1,000,000 locations logged by its worldwide user base. In Wikimapia, users identify and describe locations of interest like parks, airports, restaurants, curiosities, you name it. Some people call out "this is where I live"--lame, who cares--but there's some offbeat notations that really bring out the human character of this venture.

Take the Main Street area of Huntington Beach, CA (not far from where I live). A block or two up from PCH, past the surf shop's and Perq's Bar, is a little notation pointing out where the "Fat Guy with a Guitar" usually plays. Click on the link and the logger explains, "Usually there's some fat guy standing out here with a guitar," then goes on to talk about what kind of music he plays and how he shouldn't be teased because he's trying to bring some culture to the staid O.C..

People from all around the world are kicking in. Check out the Chernobyl notes. If you go just to the northwest of the power plant you can see the ghost town of Pripyat, where many of the plant workers and engineers lived. Nobody lives there now.

I started logging some local establishments just for fun. As this tool grows in use, I can forsee it being very useful to just about everybody: businesspeople, travelers, shoppers... you name it. Especially those of us who just love to explore from our browsers.

The internet. Daddy like.

No More War for the Zekester

2006-08-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

My family shared a meal on Sunday with my sister-in-law's family. She's a very committed, very conservative Christian who is... well, I think that she would characterize herself as uncompromising. To one person's ear, that's strong and powerful. To another's that might sound very difficult to live with. I've been around uncompromising people and they can be like a thick sweater on a hot day. You just want to get it off of you so you can cool down.

The context here is that the subject of gay Christians came up when my wife explained why it was that we were not back attending our old church. Won't rehash it here... in fact I won't even link to it. It's the damn gay thing again. Nothing sets off evangelicals like the subject of homosexuality. My sister confirmed that she strongly believes that homosexuality is part of this culture's war against Christianity, and how anybody who thinks differently should go read the Bible. To characterize this position, The World (as in gays, liberals, judges, the educational establishment, the media, college professors, etc.) are manipulating the levers of culture in unwitting service to Satan in an effort to pull the teeth out of Christianity and otherwise destroy the cause of Christ.

I had a few epiphanies in the course of this conversation.

One, I love my sister-in-law and found myself full of both compassion and respect for her. She is fully engaged in what she believes to be what God wants her to do, and is willing to pay a personal price for it. So I respect that. I also see her as being very afraid... afraid for her family and her country, if not her faith. So I have compassion for her.

Two, I have come to a fork in the road in my faith: either I reengage in the Great American Culture War, which I fought on the conservative side for the better part of the last 25 years, or I move into a long walk in the undiscovered country of "not-Right". Not in opposition to what I believed before, but as what amounts to a conscientious objector in this bruising left/right Christian/"pagan" kulturkampf that we've made for ourselves.

See, I'm sick of the fight. Well and truly sick of it. I'm fatigued with calling people stupid (yes, even myself), worn out with quoting Scripture back and forth, bored with the hystrionics, depressed with the casulties strewn about the landscape.

More accurately, I'm tired of fighting. I don't want to just ignore the conflict... it's more like I want to take on observer status for a while, maybe mediate, maybe just carry a medic pack and treat the wounded for a while. I found the experience of just appreciating my sister-in-law for who she was a peaceful, liberating one. I want more of that in my life.

But more than anything else, I just want to work and make some money. Our house is a disaster, we need to make repairs everywhere, and I'm working 10-12 hours a day (and commuting another 2-3) so that's pretty much Job One for me. I'm hitting a real growth phase of my career, one I worked very hard to get to, and I don't have a lot of headspace to devote to proving why a bunch of people who disagree with me are wrong. Unless anyone cares to point out otherwise, I suspect I rarely change anybody's mind anyway. Better to conserve my strength. Better to pick your fights... and then find a way not to fight at all.

Peace, man.

Coming Soon: New Godscrum

2006-08-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a podcast since February, and I've been wondering just what if anything I should do about that. Just leave the site up so that the archive is available? Post on occasion, when the mood strikes? Or take it on as a discipline?

I still haven't worked that out, but here's what's up: Dorsey and I are going to be in--of all places--Youngstown, Ohio on the same weekend. And since I always intended Godscrum to be a dialog, that's just what we'll do. Not sure what we'll be talking about but I know it will be fun and interesting. Stay tuned.

Meet Global Warming's Newest Disciple

2006-08-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

Apparently, as recently as October Pat Robertson criticized evangelicals like Rick Warren for signing a declaration calling for the reduction of carbon emissions in order to mitigate global warming. He accused them of camping with "far left environmentalists." His own CBN News Watch posted a highly skeptical piece on global warming.

And then, amidst a brutal East Coast heat wave (following on an equally brutal West Coast heat wave of the last couple of weeks), Pat Robertson has become a believer in global warming. I must say, I was left shaken after that bizarre weather, where it was hotter and more humid in Los Angeles than in Atlanta, Georgia. I kid you not.

Something is up, and even unlikely sources of alarm around global warming like Pat Robertson are being added to the chorus. Regardless of whether or not one is sold on global warming science, the same environmental stewardship that a thoughtful Christian caretaker of God's resources might adopt will yield the same results as carbon-cutting Kyoto would.

Hopefully this signals a broader change among evangelicals. Somebody ought to contact the SBC and see if they have become believers in global warming.

Fooled Again

2006-07-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

As I grow older I become more and more appreciative of what I'll call "humbling moments"--those times when I am forced by the sheer weight of facts to admit that I've been fundamentally wrong about something that I was insistent about. They don't engender the feelings of insecurity that I used to experience as a 20-something when I felt that if I didn't know something I wasn't worth anything. I don't have as much to prove these days, so I can take some pleasure in instruction and in the process of unlearning.

So rather than the optical illusion above being something in the vein of "hey, look at this cool new thing I found on the web," I want to use it as a teaching humbling moment: both Square A and Square B are the same color. No, I insist: they are the same shade of gray. See here for confirmation. And then there's this.

It's liberating to discover errors. Didn't Jesus say it would be so?

So the thought for the day: what religious, cultural, ethnic or political illusions hold us in their bind? God, I pray you give us an unending series of humbling moments until we see the truth--and are truly set free.

Zeke at One Year: 365 Days, 220 Posts, and a Changed Life

2006-07-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog exactly one year ago on my 40th birthday, I felt at a crossroads of sorts. Like everything was up in the air and I didn't know what to expect, only that things had not turned out like I expected. And that's allright; while I didn't end up a college professor, foreign service officer, or rich from some other occupation, I did find myself with a loving family and a promising if difficult career.

In the intervening year, I've lived through an involuntary separation from my wife and daughter while they cared for my mom in Arizona, through her death; I've reconciled with my two brothers with whom I've had little contact the last six years; I've completed four years of service on the board of a church that I no longer attend on anything like a regular basis; I've ran into conflict with my old church over the issue of gay Christians and have found myself questioning a great many things about the culture if not the faith that I've belonged to for many years. And I've turned the corner professionally and financially, restoring a good part of the income I lost in the tech crash.

I've made many new friends along the way, none of whom I will mention here for fear of missing someone just because I'm rushing this post. You know who you are, and I love you.

Thank you all for being alongside me over the last year, and I hope that this next year is for you as satisfying and as full of promise and mystery as the last has been for me.

Things to do in Denver When You're Sleeved

2006-07-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

Does everyone in Denver wear short-sleeved shirts? After having to extend my current business trip there another day, I needed to get a new shirt. Dillards and Nordstroms at the local upper-middish class mall had the usual open-package-remove-pins dress shirts, but I like the ones you get off the rack. Here, the racks are FULL of short sleeved shirts. Never seen anything like it. It's like all of Denver wears golf shirts.

I know who's to blame. It's all the evangelicals. And here's my evidence.

More Correspondence

2006-07-08T23:02:00.000-07:00

Pastor Dan (G.F.P.) sent the following email to his congregation:

A few months ago a good friend of mine, Zeke and his adult daughter visited ODM's Interact service. This man and his wife were in the leadership of a church here in Long Beach that I was serving as a staff Pastor leading worship.

When Zeke and his family discovered I was pastoring Open Door Ministries, an open and affirming church, with loving care and concern they invited me to sit down with them and discuss my views on being Christian and gay. These are people who have attended and been leaders in conservative fundamental churches for years. Through the time I spent with them and in their earnest interest in knowing truth they have become rather outspoken at times about the harm that the religious world has caused the Christ-followers who are also part of the LGBT community. A few months ago Zeke also did a podcast interview with me to further educate Christians who oppose the idea of gays who love God.

Zeke's mother died last week and he asked if I would preside over her memorial service at their church here in Long Beach where I served as Worship Director. The board would not allow Zeke to have his mother's service in his home church because the Pastor he selected to reside over the memorial is gay. [Zeke note: this isn't technically accurate; it never went to a vote before the Board, as the pastor was not comfortable forcing the issue and preferred that I find another minister.]

I'm writing asking for your prayerful support for Zeke and his family not only in the loss of Zeke's mother but also for people who name themselves followers of Jesus, who, out of ignorance pass judgment on fellow believers. May I ask that this very moment you pause to pray blessings on the Zeke family and that you ask God to clear a path for the needful healing of all Christian people and churches worldwide who are judging and even hating in the name of God. We know this must grieve the heart of God.

I will be officiating this Saturday over Mother Zeke's service that has been moved to a private location. The Zeke family is experiencing the same prejudicial judgment we have simply because of their association with me.

God is on the throne and works in all of these things to serve His ultimate plan for good.

-Pastor Dan

Supportive emails began to rush in from Pastor Dan's congregants. Here's a sampling:

"Peace and God's merciful love and blessings upon the Zeke family, you and all of our brothers and sisters, gay and straight. May the mote be removed from the eyes of those that judge, that they may truly see love...."

"I can understand this oh, so very well, especially now when I have a mother who says she loves me but wants nothing to do with me or mine. A lifetime of heartache often follows us, not because we're different but because others make sure we know we're different. I think one of the most hurtful things my mother said to me in our last conversation several weeks ago was, "No wonder you've been so miserable in your life--look at the life you lead." This comes from a woman who has witnessed my love and care and concern for her and my father and my sisters. She knew that I and my partner, took turns in staying up all night with my father there in the hospital night after night, abandoning our own needs, tending to his needs whenever we could. She witnessed my commitment to Christ, my baptism, my profession of faith. She and I have prayed together, studied God's Word together, fellowshipped together at the same church, attended Bible Studies together, and sung praises to God in choir together for years. She knows my love for Jesus and yet says she cannot understand how I could say that and still live the way I do.

I have taken great care to honor my mother and my father and to show them I love them inspite of all the painful words they've said to me over the years. My dear mother honestly thinks that the "misery" comes from my being gay...not from the painful words and the broken fellowship...not from the pain she, and others like herself inflict. Yes, I have prayed for your friend and will continue to do so, have no doubt..."

"Thank you for sharing this prayer request with me, and others. What a heartbreaking situation for the family. It is so sad when those who name the name of Jesus don't get his message. Years ago I saw a T shirt in We Ho that read: "Jesus, protect me from your followers!" How sad. I will be praying for them, and also for you, my friend. I'm sure this is challenging for you too."

I'll be writing much more about this over time and as things develop, but it's worth bringing you all up to speed for a moment here. Pastor Dan officiated today over my mom's service in my cousin's back yard, and it was simple and beautiful. He walked us all through the heavily metaphorical 23rd Psalm under the bright California sun, I said a few words, and we shared stories for hours with each other while we looked through boxes of family photos. Pastor Dan lingered and we talked about the drama at our old church. I shared with him how angry I am at what happened, and how that could be a serious obstacle to actually affecting change. He was sympathetic; living among a hostile culture your whole life provides a lot of perspective on how to remain patient and forgiving.

I wish this had never happened, but through it we've won the opportunity to be prayed for and encouraged by those who I had, for many years, a hand in being a discouragement to.

A Letter to the Old Pastor

2006-06-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

The following was sent via email by O.F. to O.P. this morning:

O.P, after discussing this issue with my wife and with G.F.P. we've decided to move the memorial service to another location.

While I appreciate the difficulty of the position that you were in, I am very disappointed in the response of some of the staff to our personal decision to have G.F.P. officiate. He served the church faithfully for years and is a personal friend. I have done a considerable amount of research, prayer and contemplation and have arrived at the decision that if one is to be gay and follow Christ, then they as servants are accountable to their master just as we all are. I think you were quite correct to say that none of us is without sin, and I am troubled that the church as a whole seems to treat homosexuality as somehow unique unto itself as a category of sin.

For the record, G.F.P. does not "advocate" homosexuality from the pulpit. He teaches that homosexuality is likely a brokeness that resulted from the fall of man and acknowledges that this is a deviation from God's standard. However he does not require that a believer who is gay enter into an "ex-gay" program and does not teach that abstinence is a requirement for belief.

But the point, O.P., is that I am quite sure that whoever raised this objection to G.F.P. never bothered to research what G.F.P. actually teaches. They also did not presume to give me, a four year servant on the Board, the latitude to pick my own minister for my mom's memorial service--which, I'll just point out again, is not a church function and would be taking place on a Saturday when nobody but the caretaker would be there.

I don't want to force your hand on this. You are the pastor and you decide which battles to pick. But I am firmly convinced that the church (as in the evangelical church, not just this one) treats the gays in its ranks with thoughtlessness and discourtesy on a regular basis. None of us possesses absolute knowledge on this mysterious and challenging topic--but more importantly, those of us who are not homosexual have no real idea what it's like to live as one, let alone what it's like to try to reconcile homosexuality and faith. I have been listening to those who are trying, and I have heard a great many stories of mighty struggle and of painful hurts inflicted upon them by friends, family, and fellow believers who stop seeing them as the people that they are and start seeing them as "homosexuals."

I am frustrated and disappointed by this situation, but I understand where it comes from. I, for one, have no problem confronting what I believe to be the careless dismissal of gay believers, especially the one who served this church and led worship to the blessing of the congregation for several years. And taught well from the pulpit, I might add.

But like I said, you as the pastor have the authority and accountability, not me. It's not for me to force this issue around my mom's memorial service, although my wife and I do plan to be respectfully outspoken on this topic when I return.

Warm regards,

O.F.

Stupid Church People Take a Stand!

2006-06-28T19:03:00.000-07:00

I won't personalize this to protect individuals, so let's just say I "have a friend."

So, I have a friend who's mom died. And he wanted to have a service for her, so he contacted his old church.

Old Pastor: "Hey, brother Friend!"

Old Friend: "Hi, Pastor. Listen, my mom passed away and I'd like to know if I can book the church for her memorial service."

O.P.: "Of course, you've been a long time member and supporter of this church, whatever you need! I will be out of town that day, but you can sure use the facilities!"

Pleased, my friend then asked a former music minister at that church (who, as an aside, is now the pastor of a gay-friendly congregation) if he would do the service for his mom. No problem, said Gay Friendly Pastor. O.F. called up O.P. to pass on the news:

O.P.: "Sure, I know G.F.P.! He used to be at such-and-such church for a while... I met him before... sings and plays piano, right! Great!"

Then O.F. gets a call today:

O.P.: "Hey, uh.... brother O.F. .... uh.... I mentioned in the staff meeting that G.F.P. would be ministering your mom's service, and uh... well... somebody on staff mentioned that he was... well... I mean... did you know what he was doing?"

O.F.: "You mean that he was the pastor of a gay-friendly church?"

O.P.: "Well, yeah... I mean, somebody brought that up and asked me if I knew, and well... I might have to speak to the Board about this... Actually I was wondering if you might just consider someone else... I mean, nobody's perfect. No pastor is perfect. But if he's advocating homosexuality from the pulpit..."

O.F.: "Do you want me to come speak to the Board about this? It's my mother's funeral, it's on a Saturday, and I'm quite sure the subject of homosexuality will never even come up. Besides, I consider G.F.P. a friend and he served this congregation faithfully for years. Even taught from the pulpit. And he's the same G.F.P. today as he was back then!"

O.P.: "Well... I just feel caught in a hard place here, because I don't want to spring this on you... but I think I probably have to get the Board involved, but I'm not sure what they'll think... and I hate to ask you to have to find somebody else... but I sure am in a tough position here..."

So my friend is being asked to call up Gay Friendly-Pastor and ask him not to officiate the service for his mom. Here's what I say to my old friend:

Bull.
Shit.

My old friend has already talked to his wife about it, and she is about ready to leave the old church over this. Sad thing is, if my old friend and his wife leave because Gay-Friendly Pastor was asked not to speak there, that's probably nothing compared to the losses to the congregation if G.F.P. was allowed to speak--at least not now that somebody has their SCP panties in a wad over G.F.P. coming into the building and is probably prepared to take this on as their own spiritual vendetta.

Think about that. G.F.P. has gone from being a beloved member of the congregation to a homosexual. Who advocates homosexuality.

My old friend said to his old pastor, "It sounds to me like somebody's afraid his mere presence there will mean that our church endorses homosexuality!"

Exactly, said his old pastor, without a trace of irony.

No More Dominionism

2006-06-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

"The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the word of God and by bringing all things under the dominion of Christ the King."

-R. J. Rushdoony

After 9/11 I believed that God had anointed America to be used in service to the Kingdom. Someone said that England had served in this capacity, sending missionaries around the world, until it turned away from God after World War II and then America inherited the mantle. Attendant to this belief in special blessing and special purpose was the caution that moral shortfalls would, as they did England, lose us God's favor.

While everything in the earth is the Lord's, and Paul does assert in Romans 13 that leaders serve (in some uncertain capacity, as I am not clear about the full meaning of what Paul is saying) with God's authority, there is absolutely no reason to believe that America is given special authority or blessing by God other than the fact that we say so in our anthems and pledges. Nor do we have any reason to believe that there is favor on us that is merited or unmerited by our moral goodness and acts of service. Or that any favor would come or not come through declarations of being a "Christian nation."

The majority of the people in this country self-identify as Christian--but that is not the same thing as asserting that we are a Christian Nation. Evangelical leaders who advocate a "Christian Nation" declaration in America have absorbed, to one degree or another, the Dominionist beliefs of R.J. Rushdoony, a Christian thinker who believed--see the opening quote--that believers should work through all organs of society to bring it into submission--or "under dominion"--to Jesus.

Scripture was used in the past to buttress "the Divine Right of Kings," a vile doctrine that stated that God favored absolute monarchy and hereditary succession. Scripture was used to provide moral cover for those who ruled men without their consent.

Today, scripture is used to pursuade believers that they should sieze the levers of power and use them to make the society and culture pleasing to God--meriting God's favor and ensuring his continued blessing. These days it seems that according to most evangelical leaders, God's blessings for America can only be assured if we ban gay marriage, post the Ten Commandments in public places and pass resolutions proclaiming America to be a Christian Nation. These are Dominionist issues, not Christian issues.

Prominent advocates of a Dominionist agenda (though I'm not aware that any of them actually use the term "Dominionist") are Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Gary Bauer, Judge Roy Moore and Dr. Jim Dobson. Mrs. Zeke is never pleased with me when I mention Dr. Dobson because of all the contributions that he has made to Christian families, but I only do so to point out that Dr. Dobson has been associated with Dominionist beliefs and that Focus on the Family has been used to advocate a Dominionist-like agenda. He's a familiar voice that's speaking up for the kinds of things Dominionists advocate.

I love this country and I consider myself both patriotic and a Christian. But I am establishing for myself a separation of faith and patriotism. I believe the doctrine of Dominionism is false and destructive to freedom and utimately harmful to faith as it pushes political agendas that cannot help but be confused with the agenda of Christ. Whether I vote for issues that Republicans or Democrats, liberals or conservatives would identify with it should not be driven by what I think God wants for my country. I have only been given a mandate to live my life as God has called me to live it, and managing my own life is labor enough, filled with errors and false starts enough, without concerning myself with trying to conform my culture and country to my concept of what I think God would want. That means that while I think we are to demonstrate extraordinary mercy and compassion and to others, it doesn't follow that I should demand that my government be the vehicle of that mercy and compassion. Liberal Dominionist is still Dominionist. And Dominionism is something I believe we and America would be better off without.

"Christianity and Democracy are inevitably enemies." - R. J. Rushdoony

Poetry from Mom

2006-06-22T00:12:00.000-07:00

Going through my mom's things, Mrs. Zeke found a collection of poetry that my mom wrote when her divorce from my dad was becoming final. Some of it is quite witty, some of it insightful, some of it raw and painful. I share it all with pride in what my mom accomplished and who she was as a woman, all 360 degrees of her.

On living:

Life’s Path

I walk toward the hill to do God’s will. If the steps, they falter - it will not alter, the path I need to do God’s deeds.

I may Stumble and grumble, pout and shout, but follow his word I will.

Path Continues

The path may vary, I shall not tarry,
Toward the light I go, not very slow,
to the light with the warming glow.
To the spirit above, with all it’s love, is the direction I shall go.

Daily

I pray for a future I may not see. I can’t look back it’s to painful for me. So, I go through the motions of life. Waiting for the future that ought to be.

Guilty Imperfections

Excuse me please, sorry, thank you, the list goes on.
Sorry it rained and ruined your game.
You’re late for your date, sorry I somehow caused this fate.
The children of the world are hungry indeed, why didn’t I arrange to feed?
I’m too fat - I’m too old. Sorry it’s hot or it’s too cold.
Why aren’t I perfect and free of guilt?
Why am I always slightly off tilt?
Excuse me please for being me, cause that’s the best that I can be!

To See

The flowers are blooming and birds are singing. the sky is blue and the sun so bright, sending out warmth and endless light.
What a blessed place to be, here on earth with so much to see!

And on her divorce and my dad:

Abuse

Teeny little dig doesn’t seem so big, What’s all the fuss about?
The stupid - not rational - dumb - bum -not a big deal you feel.
A slap leaves a spot but you did not, at least visible to the eye.
But, it’s worse you see, what you did to me, those wounds only heal when I die.

Wife

The sky’s now blue, the trees are green. Spring’s hit the earth - creating life.
Yet, here I am, left behind, this tired and worn discarded wife.
I’m winter without the snow, when everything looks so dead.
This is my day, my life, my bed.
this tired and worn lonely wife - this is my life.

Separate

We spoke as to shadows on the wall, the ears they did not hear.
A husband and wife, in two separate lives, the paths were never clear.
The road to the center, we could not enter. You could not be the same as me.
So now it’s gone - Pieces of a family that will never be.
We’re no longer joined in life. You’re not husband, I’m not wife.
We’re officially separate, as we’ve always been, to go through the motions over again.

Where is the “me” in me?
What does it think, do or see?
Thirty plus years, the mother, the wife.
Stretched too far in the quest of life.

Lost in the journey of time gone by,
the me too shredded, worn and torn.
Given away, part by part, the pieces of the puzzle that used to be.
Where are the scattered parts of me?
Where is the me that used to be?

Your Hands

I put my heart upon your hand, the day I became your wife. My soul and dreams they followed suit and landed in your hands.
The years went by and love deceased and tore my heart apart. the dreams died down as time went on and the soul went with the heart.

The divorce was a difficult time for all of us in the family, and it ultimately led to an estrangement between my mom and my two brothers that ended only in her last days on earth. On her very last day in the case of my older brother, whose last two children she saw only in photographs as she lay dying and barely able to speak. When I read these poems I remember the depths of her depression at the time and how hurt and isolated she felt.

But my mom also displayed a wry humor in some of her poems:

Brain Cells

I really, really, hate to dwell, on my tired and worn brain cells.
Parts I used in daily life, are filled with to much daily strife.
Lotus, Word processing, and Data base, lost in my brain without a trace.
Computer technology becomes mythology!

Windows

Windows used to be for looking in or out.
Or, to open wide and let air flow about.
Now they’re on computers that come with a mouse.
(Definitely not a structure in your house)

A mouse wasn’t wanted and was trapped with cheese.
Language is changing with too much ease.

Instead of practical, we must be technical.
The computer age - is all the rage.

And this is my favorite, deserving of a place in quotation books everywhere:

Growth

I’m growing and expanding day by day.
In mind and body and how much I weigh.

That one cracked me and Mrs. Zeke up. I'm sure proud of my mom for penning such a verse.

Finally, on death:

Death

Death does come to each and all, we then lay down to answer the call.
We bow to pray at the rugged cross, to cry and grieve our tragic loss.
But the lord knows best when he puts us to rest.
We go to a place that’s filled with grace.
The angels come to pave our way and lead us to our judgment day.

Goodbye, Mom. We love you still.

Moi

2006-06-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

Like I said, I married up. Have lost a few pounds since these were taken, though. That's the Muir Woods behind me in the top picture, by the way. And here's my blog face:

Mrs. Zeke revealed

2006-06-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

Well, some bug bit the extremely private, camera-shy Mrs. Zeke and she suddenly consented to me posting her picture. The only one of herself that she actually likes. Now maybe you'll believe me when I tell you she's a hottie. Steve and Josh already know.

Thank you again for all your support and kind words about my mom. We miss her terribly... and I have never been more grateful to my wife and very, very happy to be a married man. It's not good for a man to be alone.

February 23, 1943 - June 18, 2006

2006-06-19T00:33:00.000-07:00

Watching dying

2006-06-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

My mom is in her last days now, and my wife and I have spent the week coordinating care with in-home hospice, ushering family in and out of my mom's bedroom, keeping them fed and informed, all while watching my mom's daily changes and preparing for her final arrangements. There are so many observations I want to make and lessons that I'm unpacking from this difficult and incredible experience. I plan on doing so over the next several weeks, but for now we have our hands full.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers.

A season for painful admissions

2006-06-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

When George W. Bush was declared in late 2000 to be the victor in Florida—thus handing him an electoral college victory—and Al Gore launched his legal challenge to the results, I distinctly remember asking my pastor, “I honestly don’t know how anyone could be a Democrat and a believer.”

I’m ashamed to admit this, but this is the season for making painful admissions. Another admission I need to make is that had I known then what I know now I would not have supported the invasion of Iraq. I am a firm believer in the capacity of this country to do good and of the overall righteousness of the cause, but the results on the ground day after day, month after month and year after year speak for themselves. The war has not accomplished what I had hoped it would and while it’s impossible to predict what would have happened had the invasion not taken place, I have to admit that the state of affairs may well be worse for both Iraq and America than they would have been had we not invaded. I don’t have answers for what to do now. All I can do is be honest about my own regrets and say that I firmly hope that a peaceful and democratic Iraq will emerge from this struggle. I wouldn’t bet good money on it. In the meantime, I hope our soldiers watch their backs and soundly defeat the hostiles every time they try to do harm. I don’t harbor any illusions that Iraqi insurgents are just loyal subjects defending their homes from a hostile occupying power. The thuggery and viciousness of the insurgents, not to mention the foreign terrorists, leaves them beneath contempt. But they have thoroughly cowed the civilian populous and I’m not sure any amount of time, money, resources or lives can turn that tide. I hope I’m wrong.

Another admission I have to make is that for years I’ve turned a blind eye to the increasing politicization of the church (and why not? As evidenced by my first admission, I was totally complicit in it). Led by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family, evangelicals in America have been increasingly activist and increasingly aligned with power brokers in the Republican party.

For the record, I am a registered Republican and have yet to vote for a Democrat in the 20+ years that I’ve been voting. But this is beside the point. Even though there aren’t many political or social issues that I take a different opinion on than your typical conservative evangelical (immigration and gay rights being two notable exceptions), I’ve grown very uncomfortable with the degree to which politics has invaded the church—or more accurately, how the church has sold itself out to politics. In doing so we’ve called down fire on Christianity that was never its to take.

It’s far too easy to dismiss criticism of “the religious right” as being par for the course, Biblically speaking. After all, didn’t Jesus warn us that we would be hated for his name’s sake? But this is a phony spiritualization of what, in the rough and tumble of the modern political landscape, are just the lumps you get when you jump in the ring. Evangelicals rap liberals as much as any secular conservative. If liberals rap back, can we really hang it all on Jesus?

Finally, I admit that I find it increasingly difficult to stuff my pride and selfishness and that I've been acting out of my own wants rather than out of others' needs. In other words, I think I've been more of an asshole lately. And what's worse is, that doesn't bother me as much as I think it should. I almost feel entitled to be an ass. I can't help but think again how this is a singularly spiritual issue. If the law is to do to others as we would have them do to us, being an asshole is to be a lawbreaker, plain and simple.

I don't have pat solutions to any of this, and I won't even promise not to be an ass anymore. But admitting it here helps.

Do to others as you would have them do to you... or just be an asshole

2006-05-28T08:50:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about assholes today. The context here is that we have family members who, without the slightest frame of reference for what it means to care for a relative in the home who cannot meet his or her own most basic needs, are full of opinions on how that care should be provided. Now I'm not one to swear gratuitously but I keep finding myself saying "Assholes!" on a regular basis when I hear or hear about the latest uninformed and callous opinion from the bleachers about the level of care that my mom is receiving from her doctors and my incredible wife (who, by the way, has spent very nearly a year away from her home and family to care for my mother).

We've all heard the adage "opinions are like assholes--everybody's got one," but I'm increasingly finding that assholes are full of opinions and the need to express them. In fact, I'm going to postulate the theory that when one's need to express an opinion exceeds their desire to gather more information about that which they are about to pass judgment on, they are at risk of becoming an asshole. Once they state their opinion the line has been crossed.

And it all comes down to this: assholes violate the Golden Rule. Oblivious to the fact that "no one wants to be 'should' upon," they do the very thing to others that would enrage them if it was done to them. Doing to others as we would have them do to us is putting ourselves in others' positions and making sure we don't do to them what we wouldn't want done to us.

No wonder it occupies the most prominent position in Judeo-Christian ethics: God understands that we all have an inner asshole. I'm beginning to wonder how much of the spiritual work of men and women is just making sure that no matter their accomplishments or failures at the toils and tasks of daily existence, at least they weren't assholes to anybody.

Six Months, or So

2006-05-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

I have posted very little about my mother, but have mentioned from time to time on the podcast that my wife has been in Phoenix caring for my mom and I have been going back and forth to there on the weekends. My mom has cancer and for some time now the doctors have been struggling with a more definitive diagnosis so they could determine what if anything could be done about it.

It's back now: metastasized breast cancer with full involvement on both kidneys. Stage IV, inoperable, six months. Or so.

Having been involved with my mom on an almost daily basis since the end of August of 2004 with this, when she called me out of the blue to tell me she had a large tumor in her breast that she had told no one about. I flew down that day to check her into the hospital, where the nurses and the doctors examined her and exchanged knowing looks... the size of the tumor was much too large, she clearly had waited too long...

...only that tumor ended up being a very rare and highly treatable variety. She also had a much smaller tumor on her other breast of the more malevolent kind, but they were confident they got it all out during surgery. Turns out they didn't.

But what made things so much more difficult for my mom for over a year now was her sudden stroke last February. She made some progress in rehab, but has gone steadily downhill over the last 15 months. She is no longer able to toilet herself or even get up and walk without assistance. Add to that the growing pain from the cancer, and my mom will probably not see a bettter day than the ones she's had before.

The depths of compassion of my wife through all of this have been absolutely remarkable. Where I lose my patience, she soldiers on. Where I feel resentful or depressed, she injects cheer. What a gift... more precious than gold.

But I mention all of this because I have an observation to make, and a confession. My most present sentiment is that I am looking forward to all of this being over and getting my family back. I'm not proud of it, and I know that I will regret this after my mom passes, but some honesty here may help somebody else in a similar situation. I gather these feelings are not unusual, and I'm not surprised. I guess what I am surprised about is just how powerful they are. I confess I felt palpable relief when I found out that my mom was not going to persist for years in her present state.

I do want to see my mom comfortable and to see her reconciled to her other two sons. And I want to see her content that she has lived a good life and will see her God. This certainly isn't about me.

But this blog is, and I wanted to be open about my sentiments after my mom's prognosis.

Just Plain Wrong

2006-05-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

After it became known that the Federal government was monitoring the phone numbers called by U.S. phone customers (but not listening to the conversations--scout's honor), the consistent administration line has been: don't worry, Common Man, we are only after the terrorists.

Then today, an ABC news reporter revealed that he was warned by a source in the government that the FBI was going through their cell phone logs to see if they had been in contact with anyone employed by the CIA as part of their search for leakers at that agency. No subpeona, no warrant. They just apparently called up the reporter's cell carriers and got what they wanted, thank you very much.

And not just a couple of reporters from ABC, but reporters from the New York Times and the Washington Post as well.

I don't live in fear of the U.S. government taking away my freedom, but I do believe that the balance between freedom and security has tipped away from freedom. Just as the balance between public interest and corporate interest has tipped to corporate interest. Congress is becoming a blank check for expanding corporate influence, and no one in the administration seems much embarassed by their own zeal in circumventing the spirit if not the letter of the Bill of Rights.

I don't know if it's yet, but there will be a redressing of these issues and a significant scaling back of government and corporate influence over our lives. There may not be urgency about it now, but more and more people will begin to be angered and disturbed by these trends. There is nothing inevitable about an erosion of freedom and an expansion of governmental and corporate power. We hold the votes, and the votes ultimately dictate the law.

Happy Birthday, Missy! And Happy Mother's Day!

2006-05-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today is not only Mother's Day, it's my daughter Missy's 19th birthday. Last year as a teenager... Anyway, here's a reprint of one of my favorite pieces that she did. Happy Birthday, Missy!

And Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there (especially Mother Zeke and Mrs. Zeke, and Erica, our adopted daughter, mother of Baby Joey and wife of Sergeant Joey, who's deployed with the Marines in Iraq for tour #3). I pray that next Mother's Day no American wives and mothers will need to fear for their husbands or children overseas.

An Abomination

2006-05-08T23:25:00.000-07:00

Same Car, Better Mileage

2006-05-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

How can you get better mileage from your existing car? Edmonds.com conducted a real-world study on this, and the results are surprising. Here's a taste: running your AC with the windows up is no different than driving with the windows down. Here's another: tire pressure doesn't matter. The biggest potential savings: stop driving like a maniac. (HT: digg.com)

Just to spiritualize this, remember that this is about being better stewards of our resources. Waste is ungodly. If you're still not persuaded, remember that the more gas you buy, the more money you put into the pockets of Iran, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Libya, and lots of other places that think you suck and that the world would be better off without you.

Bettah!

2006-04-28T21:23:00.000-07:00

When you get tired of the status quo with gas prices and dependence on foreign oil, there's a better way.

The technology exists today to combine 50-mile range electric vehicles with small, efficient gas engines to create hybrid cars that get over 100 miles on the road from a gallon of gas. That means if gas is $3 and you have a 30 MPG car that has a plug-in hybrid option, the hybrid option will cut your gasoline charge to less than a third of what you were paying before. And not only your bill gets cut, but so do emissions and our dependence on places like Iran and Saudi Arabia.

Go to CalCars.org to find out more. See you on the road!

How I Wasted My Life on the Internet, Cont'd

2006-04-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered what people from around the world would sound like pronouncing a text in accented English? I never thought I did, until I found this (HT:digg.com). Just browse to the corner of the world you're interested in, click on it, then click on one of the flags. (courtesy of Speech Accent Archive)

South Park Scientology

2006-04-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

Never really been much of a South Park fan, but I just watched my first full epsiode (HT: Wasp Jerky), the one that caused Isaac Hayes to quit in a huff. It's about Scientology, and it's witty. Worth a watch.

The 200th Post

2006-03-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

And here we are, post number 200. A little longer than I thought it would take, but thanks for hanging with me.

From a mind at play

2006-03-28T18:52:00.000-08:00

This drawing is from the mind of Gilles Trehin, an autistic 28-year-old Frenchman. It is one of the many drawings he has rendered of his imaginary city of Urville, which he has been meticulously drawing and describing since he was 12.

I have long wondered about the connection between the mind and the soul; what "are" we when our minds do not operate "normally"?

Anyway, I have little to add other than to suggest that you stop by his site and marvel at what a mind at play can create.

Lots to do, nothing to say

2006-03-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

This blog and my podcast have been silent for weeks, I know... "too busy" is an easy answer but it doesn't fit. Fact is that my heart right now is in getting some meaningful results out of my job (more sales, more pay, etc.) so that I can feel that at least one of the ridiculous number of moving parts in my life is somewhat nailed down. Mrs. Zeke knows how much I hate instability and yet it seems that I have nothing but that in my life. I absolutely must bring more income in, and fast. I occasionally think of something other than that, but not much. Even getting a normal night's sleep has become almost impossible.

By nature I am a pretty monastic and reflective dude; I do just fine wandering in the hills half the day preoccupied with a thought. But lately I have been so absorbed in action and urgency that I feel as if I haven't had a useful thought to share. So I'll just share that little truth instead.

In the meantime, I am trying to learn patience (especially with my mom, who needs a lot of help and asks for more) and to learn to be OK with chaos and uncertainty.

So this is where I'm at in case you were wondering.

True fasting

2006-03-05T15:57:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Rick at A New Life Emerging for an excellent post about "Yaweh-style" fasting. He reminds us of the purpose of fasting, as expressed in Isaiah 58:

1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.
2 For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.
3 'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'
"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.
4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.
5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?
6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness ^[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

Thanks, Rick, for putting it back in perspective. It's so easy to ask God for "just decisions" and to ask him to "come near," not so easy to take on poverty and oppression. Especially when we are called to "spend yourselves in the behalf of the hungry" and to "satisfy the needs of the oppressed." That's a taller order than to just do something. Isaiah 58 sounds to me like real commitment. It's about sacrificing meals not to get God's ear, but to go without so that others can have.